valentine's day: a pile of dung by any other name would still stink

for years, during my single days, i had my own moniker for valentine's day:  v.d. day.  for those of you wondering what v.d. is, go ask your mother.  there were many that said my attitude was only that way out of my disdain for my perpetual singleness.  however, with almost ten years experience as a married man, i can tell you, my view towards it has changed very little.  as a matter of fact, i would say that it has actually made me view it in a far more negative light.  i have actually become borderline "anti-valentine's day".  now, i know all the ladies out there are grabbing their spikes and hammers and are poised to crucify me, but before you go pick out a tree, please hear me out.

every year at this time, we are bombarded with commercials commanding us as men to go out and spend money on our wives/girlfriends/significant others.  comedian ron white had a story on truth in advertising, and he said that he had witnessed for the first time what he would classify as truth in advertising in a diamond commercial.  the slogan was, "diamonds, render her speechless".  white's comment was, "why don't they just come out and say it?  'diamonds, that'll shut her up!'"  i actually laughed quite a bit at that one, but this year, i have witnessed what i classify as the most blatant truth in advertising i believe i have ever witnessed.  in the commercial, and frankly i don't remember what product they were advertising, there was a very attractive female who said, and i quote, "guys, valentine's day is not that complicated:  give, and you shall receive."  lori and i laughed at it when we first saw it, but then as i have sat here and listened to marines' plans for valentine's day, and what they hoped to get out of it (yes, marines can be very blunt), it really solidified the point that i have said for years:  valentine's day is nothing more than prostitution.

yes, ladies, i know that is a pretty tree that you have now picked out to nail me to, but please, bear with me for a moment more.  let's remove the emotion and look at the logical inferment surrounding this.  prostitution, by definition, is defined as the act of trading sexual favors for material compensation.  how does the average prostitution encounter take place?  a guy goes up to a girl he suspects will entertain him, and offers her money, drugs, etc. in exchange for sexual favors.  how is this different from valentine's day?  a man buys his wife or girlfriend gifts (someone he knows will entertain him), with the secret desire that it will gain him favor and hopefully reap other benefits from it.   if anything, women should not be flattered by this, but insulted.

now, there are some that will say that for them, it's romantic.  let me go on the record and say, romance is good, and necessary.  also, valentine's day, in its original intent, is good.  however, retailers took it and did with it the same thing that they have done with every other holiday:  twisted it to fatten their pockets.  i hold no ill will toward them, any more than i do toward the wolf for killing for its food, for they are acting according to their nature.  however, in recent years, our society has become so selfish that everything we do is in anticipation of what we will get out of it.  thus valentine's day has become nothing more than a holiday with selfish motives, and subsequently has tried to corner the market on romance.  well, i, for one, refuse to let anyone dictate how, when, and why i choose to love my bride. 

let's think about this for a second.  if a man only chooses one day a year to show you that he loves you, then how much does he really love you, and how much does he really mean it?  if you love someone, then your entire life, your every day, is affected by that person.  but the problem is, we have such a skewed idea of what love is today, that most people wouldn't know it if the mythical cupid actually materialized and started firing tangible arrows at people.  in fact, most would turn and run.  we have a hollywood notion of love today that has doomed marriages and ended relationships on an epic scale.  i actually attended a wedding while in seminary, and instead of "till death do us part", the bride and groom said, "for as long as love shall last".  the problem today is that society as a whole sees love as a feeling you get in your stomach whenever a certain someone is around, and when that feeling goes away, then love is gone.  newsflash:  that feeling, is not love, it is infatuation.  to find a true definition of love, we must go to the Author of Love, and to the instruction manual He left us on how to love.  we can look at passages such as 1 corinthians 13, aka "the love chapter", or john 15:13, or ephesians 5:25. 

what is the one common thread in all of these passages?  sacrifice.  true love is sacrificial.  it is the giving of oneself to another without any expectation of repayment.  is this the message that we are getting at valentine's day?  i postulate the answer is "no".  the message that we get is twofold:  1) give, and you shall receive, and 2) this is your one day a year to make up for not showing love for the rest of the year.  if someone only told you that they loved you once a year, or only gave you a hug or kiss once a year, or only bought you flowers once a year, could you confidently say that they loved you?  moreover, if someone only did something for you out of obligation, would you consider it a true sacrifice?  if CHRIST only died for you out of some misguided self-righteous sense of duty to you, would it carry the same weight?  absolutely not!  the sad thing is, we apply the same principles we have in marriage to our CHRISTian lives.  we only show our love, devotion, and level of sacrifice to God one day a week by "sacrificing" and giving up an hour or so out of our week to go to church, out of some misguided, self-righteous sense of duty, and then claim to love CHRIST. 

here is the take-away:  love is a verb.  it is an action.  it is intentional.  it is unselfish.  and most importantly, it is not confined to one day a year.  am i against doing something nice for your wife on valentine's day?  no.  but check your motivation.  is it because of what you will get out of the deal?  if so, it is selfish.  is it so you won't look bad to all of your wive's friends?  if so, it is prideful.  is it because you think your wife expects it?  if so, it is forced.  is it because you haven't done the like during the rest of the year and you are making up for it?  if so, it is inconsiderate.  all of these are antithetical of love.

p.s. - i know that this was primarily geared towards the males, (because let's face it, valentine's day is marketed towards the males' pocketbooks) but it applies to females as well.  ladies, if you are rewarding valentine's gifts with pleasure, you are prostituting yourselves.  if you expect your husband to buy you something just because it is a certain day, you are forcing love, which is servitude, in effect making you a slave master.  and if you allow him to make up for the past by buying gifts, then you have cheapened love and romance and reduced it to a commodity that can be bought and sold. 

this year, ladies and gentlemen, look at this as a learning exercise and take the time to communicate the things that make you feel loved.  if you don't communicate that, then your partner may never know.  take time to find out what the Bible says about love, and once you learn how CHRIST loves us, then you can effectively love your spouse the way CHRIST loves us, and all year long, i might add!  i admit i'm far from perfect when it comes to loving my bride, and for that i continually ask hers and God's forgiveness.  but if i, or you, ever get complacent in striving, then we will miss out on the immense joy God meant for us when He designed marriage.  i hope you have put the hammer and nails down by now.  if not, oh well.  i hear body piercing is in these days!

happy saint valentine's day!
c.