sacrificial lambs

april is the month of the military child, and i didn't want the month to pass by without acknowledging the unsung heroes of the military:  the children of service members.  my 8-year-old said the other day that he hated the navy.  and who can blame him?  when i think of all the things he has had to sacrifice, i would probably feel the same way.  but our government seems to think that military families have it easy, and are over-compensated for our service, because "they signed up for this."  so i want to take a moment and write a letter to my three amazing sons, to thank them for their sacrifices, and to let them know that just because society and their country doesn't seem to remember them, i do.

to the greatest sons a dad could ask for,

as i sit behind a computer on a ship thousands of miles and hundreds of hours away from you, on my third deployment in three years, my heart hurts.  when i became your dad, my life changed in ways i never thought possible.  i only thought that i knew how much a person could love one human being until God blessed me with the three of you.  there were things that i wanted for you, and i finally understood why my dad worked so hard all those years to give us a better life than he had.  however, the navy has challenged that desire, and i sit here thinking of all the sacrifices you make on a daily basis that go unnoticed by society, and my heart hurts for you.  sure, i miss you, as every mom and every dad that has ever deployed misses their children.  and my heart hurts because i miss you, but i hurt more when i think about what you have to go through so that i can serve our country, and most importantly, our God.

you didn't sign up for this life.  your mom did, because i was in the military already when we got married, so she knew what she was doing when she said, "i will marry you and follow you wherever you go."  but you didn't have that luxury.  you were born into a life that only 1% of our nation will ever sign up for.  you didn't get to say, "can we talk about this and what it will mean for our family?"  the military has been a part of your life since you were born.  while other children got to watch their dads go to jobs and come home every day, you had to watch your dad leave one weekend a month and a couple of weeks out of the year wearing a uniform.  then, the navy called us up to active duty, and the military became a daily, permanent fixture in your lives.  you grew up to the sounds of gunfire while you played outside.  you grew up seeing tanks crossing the road and military aircraft flying overhead, all the while being acutely aware of the guns that were on those vehicles and what those guns meant.  society gives you too little credit and says that you are not old enough to understand, but you do.  you understand that moms and dads go away to fight wars with those guns, and have similar guns pointed back at them.  you went to school with friends whose dads didn't come home from those wars, and those that did, came back different people.  while other kids out in town played war, it took on a different meaning for you.  while they were concerned with what the latest style of clothes to wear happened to be, you were hearing bits and pieces of news stories about the area your dad was in.  i will never forget when g went forward in our church as a nine-year-old boy and asked for prayer for me, because he heard from another kid at school that we were in a dangerous area and about to fire missiles, and he didn't want his dad to be in danger or to have to fire missiles at people.  you've had to grow up far too early, and a part of your childhood has forever been taken, and for that i am sorry.

you've had to endure months without a dad around as deployment after deployment seemed to roll around, and dad was once again packing a sea bag in the living room with uniforms and other military accoutrements as your heart sank, knowing that you were about to be a boy without a dad for six to nine months or longer.  you've had to smile and try to be strong at dinner tables, knowing that in a few hours, dad would get on a bus or a ship and leave.  you sat and watched other boys whose dads were able to coach their ball teams, and were cheering them on at their ball games, not knowing if your dad even knew if you had a ball game.  well, i did, and your mom kept me updated on how you did in the ball games.  she even sent me pictures, so i could be proud of you and cheer you on from the other side of the world.  while other dads got to teach their boys to play catch, you were stuck throwing a ball up in the air outside, learning to catch it yourself.  you are blessed in having a mom who is athletic, and could teach you some of those sorts of things, but trying to take care of three boys left her with limited time, so you've adapted and figured out things on your own.

deployments are only part of what you've had to endure as military sons.  while other kids have friends that they grew up with, you've had to pack up all of your toys and all of your belongings and move every two or three years.  just when you start to make friends, you've had to endure the heartbreak of saying goodbye to those friends time and time again, as the military moved them away, or it moved you away.  you've adapted to changing environments, learning new house layouts, struggled with learning to sleep in a new house with new sounds and new smells.  you've gone from small yards, to big yards; from parks behind your house, to being in a neighborhood where the closest park is a few blocks away.  you've adapted to and learned eight new schools between the three of you, and will learn and adapt to many more.  you've been dozens of hours away from grandparents, and never had one area that you can call a "hometown."  for you, home is where your family is, and your long-time friends are each other.

you've endured holidays away from family, holidays and birthdays without dad there, and cried yourself to sleep at night because you missed and were worried about your dad.  while mom has been able to email me on a daily basis, you have been limited to the occasional email and a five-minute phone call every couple of weeks.  you've learned to get along without me, and i must admit, it hurts.  you've done it because you have to, and you are stronger because of it, but i never wanted you to have to navigate the rites of childhood without me.  i would give anything to be there beside you as you learned to hold a bat, or felt the defeat of being sat on the bench.  this is not the life i wanted for you, but it's the life we've had to endure.

i do what i do because God has called me to take care of those who serve our country.  while you may not understand it now, what we do helps to keep you safe and free in the greatest country in the world.  the pay that the military gives me helps to keep a nice roof over our head, and healthy food on our plates.  our profession is a noble one, and when we signed our names on that dotted line and raised our hands and took the oath, we were doing it for you.  there are those in this world that do not like our way of life, and would gladly come in and try to destroy it, were it not for us.  so when you look at your friends at a ball game or at school, know that they are able to enjoy this life because of what your dad does, but most importantly, because of what you give up so that i could do what i do.  so when you feel like you don't fit it, it's because you don't.  that is a hard reality, but the people in your schools and on your ball teams will never understand what it is like to be you.  and you can hold your head high, knowing that your sacrifice makes their lives possible.

i couldn't ask for three stronger, more amazing sons.  you guys make me proud on a daily basis, and i look forward to the time when i can be home beside you, and can once again be part of your daily lives.  but most importantly, i look forward to our navigating the waters of our ever changing life together.  i look forward to the adventures that we will have in the future as we explore new places, make new friends, and see new things.  did you know that you have lived and will live in more cities than the number of states the average person has visited?  so thank you for your many sacrifices, my precious sons.  i only hope and pray that you will one day understand what it is i do and why i do it, and that you will not hold it against me, but rather it will be a source of pride for you as you hold your head up and realize that you are the true heroes of our nation.  and while people might not have recognized you as a hero, it's because you had a secret identity that only your mom and dad knew.

i love you more and more every day, and i am counting down the days until we are reunited.  until then, keep your chin up and know that i am praying for you from afar, and soon we will be together again.

love,
dad 

the list

most of us have seen billy madison, the movie of adam sandler fame.  one of my favorite scenes in the movie is when steve buscemi's character shoots the guy in the butt that had evidently tormented him in high school, and billy madison says, "man, am i glad i called that guy [to apologize]!"  many of us are like that guy.  we may not have our "kill" list, but we have our list all the same.  you know the list.  the list of those people that we can never forgive.  the ones that have done too much to deserve forgiveness.   the ones that if it were legal, we would probably be steve buscemi's character on a roof somewhere with a rifle ready to take them out, or at least take out their kneecaps.

many times when i'm writing these things, it's because it is something that i've come to the realization of in my own life.  as i was preparing a sermon on forgiveness, God smacked me over the head and said, "get it now?"  i must say that it is something that i have struggled with, despite my denial, for a long time.  it's no wonder my favorite movie characters are guys like the boondock saints, the punisher, the crow, and batman.  these are people who see evil people and give them what they deserve!  there are times i see people hurt, and i would love nothing more than to sit somewhere and wait in the shadows for the right chance to exact justice on that person -- painful justice.  the problem is, it's not biblical, and it's definitely not the way of Jesus.  while Scripture definitely supports earthly  punishment, specifically when carried out by the government that God has placed over you, it does not support vigilantism and the rights of humans to take the law into their own hands.

in thinking about my anniversary, there is no truer test of love than the ability to forgive.  1 Corinthians states, "love holds no records of wrongs committed."  so that means the next argument you get in, bringing up the fact that the other has repeatedly committed the offense is a moot point, unless you have a problem with forgiveness.  if you have truly reached a healthy level of forgiveness for that person's offense, then the argument will be on the offense committed that started the argument.  that's tough, i know.  and my bride and i have had to forgive a lot to even make it to the altar, much less the many times after we have had to forgive since we've been married.

during our seven-year break-up, there were a couple of years where we didn't talk, and if we did, it was usually less than amicably.  and i was very angry for a long time at her for the break-up.  however, when CHRIST saved me, my first true test of forgiveness was when it came to her.  i saw her at a softball game one evening, and i made sure to take the long way around the field so that i wouldn't have to talk to her.  that night, God told me, "chris, you need to forgive her," to which i replied, "absolutely not!"  the next couple of days brought repeated convictions from God.  "chris, you have to forgive her!"  i was like a child, crossing my arms and sticking my lip out and refusing in my stubbornness.  i remember finally saying, "God, i can't forgive her.  You don't know what she did to me!" and God, in His gentle way, reminded me, "they spit on me."  after that, i was like, "ok, but she probably isn't going to accept it.  she hates me now."  God said, "just trust Me."

the next night was a thursday, and as i was walking up to the field, i saw her in the dugout.  as i walked up, i had a knot in my stomach bigger than a softball!  i went to the fence and said, "hey."  she turned around and looked at me and said, "hey," in this cold, icy tone.  i almost turned and walked away, but i decided i was committed at that point.  sure, i could have just forgiven her from a distance, but i needed her to know that i held no ill will towards her, and also to ask for her forgiveness as well for all the stuff that i had done.  i asked if i could talk to her for a second after the game, and she said ok, and that she would meet me at my car.  it wasn't an enthusiastic agreement by any means, but at least it was an agreement!  after the game, i walked up and she had her hands on her hips in a confrontational stance and as i walked up, she said, "what do you want?"  what happened next can only be described as God's work, because i began to tell her that i was sorry for all of the things that i had said and done to hurt her, and that i had forgiven her because CHRIST had forgiven me, and her countenance melted.  her shoulders dropped and her hands left her hips and a smile eased across her face as i talked.  she said, "thank you" and apologized as well, and that forgiveness that both of us gave that night put us on a path that would ultimately lead to marriage.  there would be many more times before we were back together that forgiveness would be necessary for both of us, but it made all the difference in our relationship.

i need to make something clear.  the above story made it sound easy.  however, the truth is that it was anything but.  there were times that the past would creep back up, and i could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and i would have to remind myself that i had forgiven her for that, and renew that forgiveness.  see, there's this old adage of "forgive and forget," but the truth is, we may forgive, but we never forget.  that is why Jesus told peter that we are to forgive someone 70 times seven!  it is a process, and not a one time event.  i frequently counsel people who have a hard time letting go of past offenses, as if forgiving the person somehow lets them off the hook for what they did.  but nothing is farther from the truth.  it means that you choose to no longer harbor those angry feelings towards that person for the offense.  and truthfully, forgiveness is just as much for you as it is the other person.  when you hold onto anger, it turns into bitterness, and then into hate, and once that bitterness and hate takes root inside of you, it will eat you up like a cancer and rob you of the true heights of joy you might have.  i tell the person that the way you can truly tell you have reached a healthy level of forgiveness, is when that offense is brought to mind, it no longer elicits that strong response of anger inside of you, and the desire to repay is gone.

you see, this is something that i still struggle with on a daily basis.  i do not have a problem forgiving my bride, because i love her.  however, the true test of how forgiving you are is how you forgive others that you do not love on an emotional level.  we are supposed to love our enemies, and in loving them, that includes forgiving them.  but this is extremely difficult.  there have been those that have wronged me in the past, and i still get those strong feelings for exacting my version of justice against them.  not God's justice, mind you.  my justice.  however, as a husband and a father, the things i have the hardest time forgiving now are the offenses committed against my family.  don't get me wrong, i am the shepherd of my home, and i will do everything within the limits of CHRIST's love to eradicate any wolves that threaten my family, but it is in the aftermath that i have the problem of forgiving.  i can draw up my list right now of people that i would love to go and pound on their faces for a while, and that's not healthy.  there is a place for righteous anger, especially when it comes to standing up for those you love, as we saw when CHRIST turned over the tables in the temple because of their defaming His Father's house.  however, Scripture tells us that when we are angry, do not sin.  moreover, it says "do not let the sun go down on your harsh anger."  get that?  that means don't carry it over to tomorrow.  that's where forgiveness comes into play.  those same people that Jesus chased while swinging cords, He referenced less than a week later when He said, "forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing."  so making that decision to forgive is a time-sensitive decision, or you run the risk of carrying it over, which makes it easier to hold on to it, and boy, do we like to hold on to it.  our anger becomes a comfort to us, a companion that we carry with us like a security blanket, as if by holding on to it we are somehow making that person suffer for what they did.  however, we aren't hurting that person (unless we are exacting our own version of justice with a baseball bat!)  and if we are truthful, they could probably care less.  they may not even know that they hurt us.  or, if they did know, and haven't asked for forgiveness, then it was intentional and they want us to hurt and be angry.  we have given them the satisfaction of having control over our emotions, and anyone that controls us in any way is our master, and we we are their slaves! in the end, we are only hurting ourselves by holding on to that anger.

one caveat:  forgiving someone does not mean that we befriend them, or that we reach some sort of agreement.  you steal from me, i'll forgive you, but i'm going to keep my possessions locked up as long as you're around.  i may be commanded to love you, but that does not mean that i have to invite you to my next cookout, or that i have to pretend as if you are my favorite person in the world.  what happens after that forgiveness in terms of the relationship is then placed directly onto that person's shoulders.  if you forgive somebody for a wrong, and they take steps to right that wrong and to show that they are a changed person, then a relationship is possible.  forgiveness also does not mean that we are to be a whipping post for someone.  if someone is abusing you in some form, you can forgive them, but get away from them!  there's a saying, "burn me once, shame on you.  burn me twice, shame on me."  so forgiveness has no limits, but trust does.  

it's such a simple concept, forgiveness, yet one that takes lifetimes to master.  there are offenses committed that are so personal, and so hurtful, that forgiving seems not only difficult, but downright impossible.  but there are jews that survived auschwitz that have publicly forgiven their german tormentors, therefore there must be some hope.  jeffrey dahmer was witnessed to in prison by the parents of one of his victims, and reportedly became a CHRISTian because of it.  i have to admit, i'd have a really tough time with that one.  after all, a person like dahmer doesn't deserve forgiveness, right?  there are some people that are just beyond it, aren't there?  take it one step further.  what about isis?  should we forgive them?  Scripture says so.  moreover, it says we are to love them!  "not me," you say.  "i will forgive them with a bullet, but that's about it."  but what if CHRIST took that attitude with us?  one of the marks of a CHRISTian is the ability to forgive.  and if you can't, then you need to compare yourself to the mirror of Scripture where it says if we don't forgive others, then we won't be forgiven, meaning that if we are unable to forgive it is a pretty good indication that we are not in CHRIST, and therefore not forgiven ourselves.

so remember, as you navigate the waters of this fallen world, both in marriage, and in public, there are people that are going to hurt you.  strife is inevitable in life.  however, what you do with that hurt, is what defines you.        

a wedding kiss

we've all heard the typical wedding vows:  love, honor, cherish, obey, etc.  those are usually pretty easy to remember.  however when a couple writes their own vows, depending on how intricate they are, it is a little more difficult to remember those word for word.  and it's important to remember those for future reference, so that you can keep track of how you are doing on keeping the vows that you promised to God.

on this day, 13 years ago, my bride and i stood in front of clarksdale baptist church and pledged our lives to each other in a beautiful marriage ceremony that still makes me smile when i think about it.  so for my blog post today, i would like to share with you the vows that we said to each other.

lori's vows:

“in the presence of God and these, our friends, i take you chris to be my wedded husband.

i promise to celebrate with you all the joyful memories we create, the comfortable silences we will have, the refreshing laughter, and deepening closeness the coming years will bring.

i will always be honest with you, and respect what you are now and what we will become together.

i promise to love you in the midst of the everydayness and the specialness of life.

i will love you when we are together and when we are apart; when life is peaceful and when it is in disorder; when I am proud of you and when i am disappointed in you.

i will honor your goals and dreams and help you to fulfill them.

i promise my faithfulness to follow you through all of life’s experiences as you follow God, that together we may grow in the likeness of CHRIST.  i will honor those decisions we make together and will work to establish a home where peace, joy, and prayer reign and where CHRIST is the center of our lives.

i love you chris as i love no other.  all that i am i share with you.

i always knew you were the one that could look into my eyes and see my soul. 

i look at you and i see my best friend.  your energy and your passion inspire me in ways i never thought possible.  you give me purpose when i feel i have none.  without you my soul would be empty, my heart broken and my being incomplete. 

 you are my partner, lover, and my best friend above all others, from this day forward as long as we both shall live.”

chris's vows:   

“today, before God, our families, and our friends, i accept with inexpressible joy the gift that God has given me in you and take you lori, my best friend, as my wife.

it is with careful prayer that i make this covenant with you, and so i pray that God will enable me to be the husband that He would have me be for you.

i make a vow to you today before God, and count it a privilege, to fulfill my responsibilities to you as your husband, according to God’s Holy Word.

i vow to love you as CHRIST loves His Church, and gave His life for it; to place your needs, your desires, and your feelings above all others, except the Lord’s, including my own.

i promise to respect and honor you as the beautiful lady and princess of God that you are. 

i vow to be the shepherd of our home, protecting you from all harm, physical and spiritual; to be a comfort to you in sickness and sadness; to be your encourager in times of disappointment, doubt, and fear; to support you; to cherish and love you; to serve you and serve with you.  i promise to recognize your role in our ministry together, and to always seek the Lord’s guidance in our lives and our ministry.

on this holy day, i vow to forsake all others, and give myself and all i have to you, from now to eternity; and promise to be your faithful husband, you best friend, your lover; until we are separated only by death.

i love you, lori."

afterward, we exchanged rings and mark kelly, our youth leader that was instrumental throughout our relationship, said that i could kiss my bride.  this is my description in the book i wrote for lori:


"the passion in that kiss, even though it wasn’t a full-on kiss, was enough that they were transported in those few moments through years past, from the moment they first met, to their friendship which resulted in their first kiss on the choir tour bus, their first date, their first short break-up and reuniting, their eventual bitter break-up and the resulting forgiveness that reunited their friendship, and that phone call that set them on the path to where they were now.  all of those emotions collided in that one kiss, and even though it only lasted seconds, it contained a lifetime."

today is the first anniversary i've spent apart from my bride.  all of my deployments have always had me home for our anniversary, so it has given me a lot of time to think about it.  i look at our vows and i think we have a really good success rate at fulfilling those.  

we still kiss quite frequently, and when we do, those kisses, no matter how short or how long, transport me back to that day on the choir tour bus when our lips met that first time, and then to that kiss on that stage in front of our wedding guests.  so to my baby love, happy anniversary.  i love you more than i ever thought possible, and my love for you grows every day.  i look forward to the day that i can once again kiss you and get lost in the ocean of your blue eyes!    
  

 

earthquakes

tonight's post is a departure from my last few.  not because i am through with my posts on love and marriage by any means, but because something happened today that i cannot simply gloss over.

as americans, it is very easy to see the things that happen in other parts of the world on the various news outlets.  it is even easier to gloss over them, and think of them as something that happened "over there."  however, many of us today learned just what "over there" means, when a dear friend of ours and her family were part of "over there."  as we all anxiously watched the news and facebook for some sort of indication that they were okay, the headlines were no longer easy to gloss over.  however, God smiled upon our friend today and though shaken up, her and her family were safe.  i believe that He has a far greater purpose for them as they minister to the people of Nepal in the coming weeks and months and even years. 

one thing the military has taught many americans, is that "over there" can become "right here" in a matter of moments.  in the 11 caco (casualty notifications) calls that i have done, thousands of miles were quickly diminished as a family's world came crashing down around them.  this is my third deployment where the area i was in flared up into chaos, and thousands of miles disappeared as "over there" became "right here" for my family and loved ones back home.  technology has the ability to build bridges that you can't drive on, but can definitely bring you much closer than in times past.  however, it brings the atrocities that occur in obscure parts of the world front and center into your living room. 

as CHRISTians, we have to ask ourselves what are we going to do with that information?  gone are the days of ignoring the crises that happen across the country, and across the world, and pretend like we don't know what's going on.  as our fellow brothers and sisters in CHRIST are getting their homes taken, their freedoms taken, and their lives taken, suddenly "i'll pray for them" no longer seems enough.  i'm not discounting the power of prayer, but it has become a way of getting rid of a problem we are uncomfortable dealing with.  because let's be honest, how often do we actually follow through on our promises of prayer?  so what do we do?  well, that is the question that is the most difficult to answer.  for some, prayer may be all they can do, and if that's the case, then i sincerely hope that they are praying fervently, for Scripture tells us that the fervent prayer of a righteous man accomplishes much.  for many of us, however, there is more than we can do.  for instance, if you are reading this, odds are you are among the wealthiest 5% of the world.  there are 247 million professing CHRISTians in the united states alone.  now, imagine if all 247,000,000 of us gave $1 to missionaries such as my friend in nepal to help minister to the people there!  think about that for a second.  $1.  i spend more than that on a dr. pepper.  this is an indictment on me as well.  there is a church that i was just reading about that has a dollar club where every member of the church sets aside $1 each week of their tithe to the dollar club.  at the end of a month, that church, being a larger church, has approximately $12,000 that they use to minister to those in their community!  did you know that the average church spends over 50% of their tithe on salaries alone?  and another 30% goes towards building funds!  10% goes towards programs, and another 5% goes towards charitable and denominational giving, leaving only 5% for missions.  so money is one way we can help.

there are other ways such as donating used clothes to missions and relief organizations.  a friend of mine from brazil was riding with me one day and saw a mini storage facility and asked me what it was.  when i explained it to him, he said, 'you americans have so much stuff that you have to rent out extra space the size of most homes in brazil just to hold it all!"  what an indictment!  when it comes to supporting those "over there," remember, think outside the box.  finding ways to help is just a google search away.

another way you can help is by taking care of those affected by tragedies that happen "over there."  when a world is crumbling, or when a family is stressed to the breaking point because of worry over a loved one "over there," you can come alongside them and put an arm around them and offer to help.  there may not be much that you can do, but knowing that you are concerned and that you care helps tremendously.  find that spouse of someone "over there" in your church who is struggling to keep it together and offer to take her out for a nice meal while somebody else watches the kids.  find that mother or father and offer to pray with them, and not just for them.  call and ask for updates.  show that you care.  don't simply say "i'll pray for you," for talk is cheap.  if you don't know what to say, don't avoid them, but be honest and just be there for them if they need a shoulder to cry on or someone to yell to.  one thing i've learned, is that a person will remember very little of what you say during times of crisis, but they will always remember that you were there beside them to go through it with them.

we are all just a fault-slip away from our own earthquake, that event that shakes and rattles our world and causes our walls to come crumbling down around us, while the whole world seems to see it as something that is happening "over there," and therefore are oblivious to it, while we struggle to survive.  some earthquakes are tremors, unsettling us and maybe shaking us up a bit, while others are of such magnitude that while we may rebuild, our lives will never be the same.  the question is, and has always been, how would you want others to respond to your situation?  with an "i'll pray for you" that will never happen?  or with something that shows that they really care about you and your situation?  because in the blink of an eye, "over there" becomes "right here," "right now."    

her

some 25 years ago, a beautiful blue-eyed brunette walked into my life, and i have never been the same since.  25 years really gives you a chance to get to know someone.  and the more you get to know and love someone as wonderful as my bride, the greater the torture when you are separated from that person.  however, if the military has taught me one thing, it's to pay attention to the little things.  everyone automatically assumes that all us guys really miss about being home with our wives is the sex.  oh, they may not say it, but it's in all the jokes, and a lot of us will go along with the jokes.  but the truth is, that is only a tiny piece of what i miss about my bride.

i begin missing my bride in the mornings, when reveille is sounded and i roll over in my coffin of a rack (they are called coffin racks for a reason, and for somebody claustrophobic like me, it is definitely uncomfortable!)  i roll over, expecting to see the soft, peaceful face of my bride that i was just dreaming about, and all i see is a white metal wall.  my spirit immediately crushed, i force myself to roll out of my rack onto the floor (because it is right on the floor and the only way to get in and out is to roll) and i sleepily get up and get dressed and walk to the wardroom for breakfast.  as i walk in, there is coffee brewing, and i miss my bride's morning cup of coffee in her pitcher-sized mugs that i prepare for her every morning because i love to see her sleepy smile when i bring it up, with just the right amount of her caramel macchiato creamer and one cube of ice so it isn't too hot to drink.  i then miss the smell of her hair as i lean forward and kiss her on the forehead and tell her good morning.  as i'm eating breakfast, i miss being able to look over and see her in her shorts and tank top with her hair pulled up into a messy ponytail as she fixes herself a bowl of her cereal, provided the boys haven't eaten it all.

as i walk out of the wardroom and downstairs to my morning meeting to begin my workday, i miss seeing her as i leave for work in the mornings as she is giving the boys hugs as the bus is pulling up, and i linger behind for the last hug and goodbye kiss that helps get me through my day.  after the plethora of morning meetings, i find time to jump on the computer, and being 7 hours ahead, she is fast asleep, so i miss seeing my morning texts and emails from her about what she has planned for the day and then as the day goes on, what the plans for the afternoon are once i get home.  i then go to workout, because pt is part of your day in the military, and as i grab my phone and turn it on to open the music app, i see our picture, the one of us kissing goodbye as i'm leaving for deployment, and i smile, and want to cry at the same time.  after pt, i get in the shower, and i miss the times that i get out of the shower at home and she's there waiting to get in after me. 

at lunch, i miss being able to call her and just say hello and see how her day is going and to tell her i love her.  after lunch, my office hours begin and i get to listen to people say how much they miss their families and problems they are having with their spouses back home and it all makes me think of my bride and what we have repeatedly throughout the afternoon.  dinner time is really difficult.  as i sit down to dinner at a table full of essentially strangers, i miss sitting down with her after we have tag-teamed preparing dinner.  as i eat my dry chicken and tasteless carrots, i miss her cooking and our talks around the table of what each person's favorite part of the day and least favorite part of the day is.  by now, she's awake back home, and depending on how her day is going, i've maybe gotten to talk to her once or twice on facebook or email, so my thoughts are now wondering what she's doing back home, and hoping her day is going well. 

after dinner, it is now lunchtime or shortly thereafter back home, so i get to talk to her for a few precious moments on facebook, because i only get to call home about once a week.  i hear the stories of how she's doing, and how the boys are doing, and how crazy things are back there, and as chaotic and hectic as it sounds, i miss it.  i want to be there to help more than anything in the world.  as the night wanes on and i have to go write evening prayer and then go up to the bridge to give it over the ship's intercom, i rush back down to my computer to see if she's written.  sometimes we get to talk, but many times we don't because this is when the boys get home and she's busy helping with homework and getting dinner ready, so i simply tell her that i love her and say good night and sign off. 

now comes the most excruciating part of my day.  i get undressed and into my pt gear, because on ship you have to be ready to jump up and throw your coveralls on at a moment's notice, or ready to get up and open the door because the command master chief is knocking on your door at 2 in the morning because a sailor just found out a family member died.  as i roll back into my bed, it is cold and small, and i want nothing more than to roll over and put my arm around my lover and snuggle up behind her warm body and hold her tightly as i drift off to sleep, only, that isn't going to happen for months.  so i lay there and i begin connecting with her the only way i know how, by praying for her.  i pray for her sanity as she deals with three rambunctious boys on a daily basis.  i pray for her health as she deals with all of the sickness that comes with having three boys and their bringing constant germs into the house.  i pray for her strength as she is mom, accountant, grocery shopper, chef, maid, laundromat, dad, baseball coach, grounds keeper, chauffer, and any of the other jobs she has to take care of in my absence.  i pray for her wisdom as she leads our kids and has to answer those tough questions that dad is usually there to answer.  i pray for her relationship with CHRIST, and that she finds time to cultivate that in her hectic schedule.  i pray for our marriage, that God will keep us strong as we endure our separation.  and i drift off to sleep hoping to have a pleasant dream of the two of us doing everyday things, such as riding in the car to a sports practice, or going to walmart together.  at times i wake up from those dreams that are so real that when i open my eyes, i fully expect to be back home in my own bed with her next to me, and when i'm not, i fight back the tears and desperately try to fall back asleep and pick back up where i left off, which rarely ever happens.  only to repeat the same routine the next day and the next, until i'm back home with her where i belong.

so people can make jokes about us missing the sex, but when you love someone, there are so many other things that take precedence.  i miss her eyes that i could get lost in.  i miss the curve of her back and the way my arms line up perfectly with it when i hold her close to me.  i miss her silly dances when she's happy about something.  i miss her laugh at something goofy that my little one has done.  i miss her fussing at me about my piles of random stuff i leave laying around the house, and then saying, "mmm hmm" as i apologize and say i won't do it again.  i miss her breaking out in song for no apparent reason other than it was on pandora earlier in the day and she had it stuck in her head.  i could go on and on, but the simple fact of the matter is, i miss her.  everything about her that makes her, her.  the good and the not so good. 

so tonight, look at your husband or your wife, and give them a big hug and kiss.  start noticing all those little things that you take for granted on a daily basis.  because little things may seem trivial, but believe me, nothing is trivial.  life is in those little things.  and love is in the details.

HWQ

one of the most interesting words found in the old testament in terms of relationships is the word HWQ (pronounced kah-wah,) and is found in the book of ecclesiastes.  the literal meaning of the word is three-stranded cord, and the actual verse says “a three-stranded cord is not easily broken.”  the verse itself is referring to a relationship with another person, and is many times used to refer to a marital relationship. 

the physics behind this concept is simple.  when two cords are twisted together to make a bigger cord, an interesting thing happens when a load is placed upon it.  the two cords start to come untwisted, and each strand will bear the full weight of that load individually, thereby weakening the total weight capacity of the cord.  however, when three strands are braided together to make a cord, when a load is placed upon that cord, each of the strands pulls closer to each other, and essentially forms one cord and the weight of that load is distributed throughout the total cord, making it much harder to break.  

the three strands of the cord represent the two people involved in the relationship, with God as the third strand.  this upcoming anniversary will be the first one i have missed in our 13 years of marriage.  until now, all of my deployments, trainings, and times away with the navy, have all been timed to where i have been able to be home in time for my anniversary.  during this time away, i have been thinking a lot about the past. for those of you that haven’t known us that long (we have an over 20 year history together,) we have a very unique story that goes all the way back to 9^th grade.  

i met my bride when she moved to clarksdale from chicago in the 9^th grade.  i was blown away by this blue-eyed, long-haired beauty that thought it was appropriate to wear shorts in 50 degree weather, and went home and told my mom that i had met the most beautiful girl i had ever seen!  i chased her for a while, content to be friends with her for the time being, and a strong friendship developed.  i have always argued that guys are friends with girls for one of two reasons:  because they like them and are hoping for a chance, or because they are truly friends and are content with things staying that way.  truthfully, this relationship was both.  i was content to have her as my best friend, but was more than happy to entertain any romantic feelings she might have had toward me.  we were inseparable.  where you found one of us, the other was usually close by, and we were happy.  however, a kiss on a choir tour bus (which we refer to as the “accident”) changed all of that, and we started dating.  this went on for a year, until a significant change happened.  i was a professing CHRISTian at the time, and she was also.  but when CHRIST actually spoke to her and she actually accepted Him as Saviour, things between us began to change a bit.  my focus was on the relationship, hers began to be on CHRIST.  i had raised her to the position of a functional god, and had even started saving up money for an engagement ring (without telling my parents because i didn’t want to hear a lecture, even though it would have been right!)   

realizing my overly important focus on the relationship, she started pulling away, and eventually broke up with me.  at the time i was devastated, and had a very rough year following the break-up.  however, God in His providence used that time to show me that i was indeed lost, and had a form of religion, but did not have CHRIST.  and CHRIST called me to repentance, and i repented and accepted Him as Saviour and things began to change for me.  

well, long story short, God would end up bringing my bride and i back together after different colleges, different states, and seven years apart, and this time, it was different.  we both agreed that CHRIST should be the center of our relationship, and it has made all the difference.  if we would have gotten married all those years ago, we probably would have ended up divorced after a year or two.  but now, we have something that is truly unique and special, and have come through quite a bit as a married couple.  the vows that couples say during a wedding, have been an accurate description of our marriage.  we’ve had better times, and worse times, times so bad that it seemed as if we weren’t going to make it.  we’ve had health, but also plenty of sickness (we've gotten way more than our money's worth out of our health insurance!)  we’ve been financially stable, and have been poor enough that we had to suck up pride and move back in with parents due to unemployment or under employment.  there have been plenty of opportunities to cheat without getting caught, as deployments can bring, and many service members succumb to that temptation and end up in my office.  the thing that has made all the difference though, is having CHRIST at the center of our relationship, and honoring our commitment not only to each other, but to Him as well.  and part of having CHRIST, is the family that you are born into when you accept Him.  there have been times where our families, both biological and spiritual, have stepped in to counsel us during times of difficulty, which has been an invaluable resource that CHRIST has used.  it hasn’t been easy, but our three-stranded cord, our HWQ, has not broken.  that is not to say it can’t be broken, because to do so would be arrogant, and love does not boast in itself.  

in that cord, if one of the strands decides to go it on their own, and starts pulling away, they begin to bear the brunt of the load on their own, and they will break before the other two, leaving a weakened cord to carry the load.  it is a sad thing to see.  one of the greatest lies that I have ever heard in marriage counseling, is that they felt like God was telling them that they deserved to be happy and that they needed to get out of their marriage because they weren’t happy.  mind you, these were not cases of abuse or neglect, but simply because life’s strain had taken a toll on their marriage and that person decided that they could better do it on their own.  sometimes, it was both parties pulling away from CHRIST, and no matter how much they tried to save the marriage, they would break.  so remember, during those times of difficulty, instead of pulling away from your spouse, or pulling away from CHRIST, choose instead to seek His face, and to cling tighter to your spouse, and the three of you together can remain strong in the midst of life’s strain.

real love

on this day, 13 years ago, i traveled to clarksdale, ms, to begin the preparations to marry my bride.  so in the coming days, expect a few more blog posts as i brag on my bride and our relationship.  as mentioned in my last post, marriages nowadays seem to be going to the wayside, with most of them ending before the seven year mark.  the divorce rate is dropping, yes, but a significant reason for that is many couples are choosing not to get married and simply live together, so the ending of those relationships is not figured in the divorce statistic, otherwise it would be much higher.  so 13 years of marital bliss, or something like it, is something that i am proud of.  however, it is only because of CHRIST that we are where we are today, so i give Him the credit for modeling to us what true love is.  and that's what we strive for.  my post is not meant to put us up on a pedestal as the end all, be all example of a perfect marriage.  yes, our marriage is perfect, in its imperfections.  we get angry at each other.  there are times we don't talk to each other, or conversely we raise our voice at each other.  we can be selfish.  we can be arrogant (after all, i'm always right, right baby love?)  i am stubborn and she is persistent (notice i didn't say nagging!)  i am passive-aggressive and she is blunt and confrontational.  we are an example of opposites attracting, but sometimes opposites attacking.  however, we have love, and it is a love that requires work, as any good thing does.

there are many things in life that bring people joy.  some find joy in simple things, such as a sunset, a day at the beach, or a bouquet of fresh cut daisies.  others find joy in more tangible things, things like money, a car, a house.  still others search for joy in a job, a hometown, or travelling.  and some find their joy in a combination of any of the above things.  but there is no greater joy in this life than to find love.  love can take on many forms, and love is a complicated word.  it is so complicated that the greeks had three different words for love:  eros, phileo, and agape. 

the first word, eros, is a physical love.  it is where we get our word erotic.  it is the love that teenagers say they feel when they get the butterflies in their stomachs and their heart races when they see a certain boy or a girl.  it is the love that is responsible for lost virginity, for broken hearts, and for strings of failed dating relationships.  it is a very powerful emotion, releasing endorphins, the “feel good” chemicals in our brains, which creates a sort of addiction, which is why we never get over our first love.  that initial feeling creates such a mark in our memories, that we spend the rest of our lives chasing that feeling, much like a drug addict chasing that first high.  but we should never dismiss eros as simplistic and shallow, for it is a gateway emotion, that when paired with the other two creates something so magical it could only have been created by the Creator. 

the second word, phileo, is love based on a bond.  it is the love felt between friends and family members.  it literally means “brotherly love,” which is where we get the name of our city philadelphia, meaning the “city of brotherly love.”  it is this love that goes beyond mere physical attraction.  on the love scale, it is the mid-level love.  it’s a love that isn’t based on simple emotions or feelings, but rather is one that goes deeper and is more complex.  unlike eros, phileo is a love that is not easily lost.  this is why old friends can spend years and even decades apart, and then when they get back together again pick up like they never were apart.  it’s why brothers and sisters, no matter how far apart they are, will relish every chance they have to spend together, no matter how much that sibling may have been annoying or even infuriating in the past.  like said before, it is not easily lost, but yet it can be lost.  there are stories of brothers going lifetimes without talking over a fight.  there are children who seek to “divorce” their parents.  best friends can quickly become enemies under the right circumstances.  even husbands and wives who genuinely have this kind of love based on the bond of matrimony, can eventually grow apart or have a big enough fight that they walk away from the relationship.  one redeeming factor of phileo is that it is a love that can be restored, but only if the third type of love is present. 

the third type of love is agape, meaning unconditional love.  the first two loves have conditions to them.  they are based on feelings and emotions, and those can be very fickle.  emotions are very powerful, and can cause us to make decisions many times without thinking about them.  or they are based on bonds, bonds that can be broken, thereby making that love no longer valid.  agape is not like this.  it is not based on emotions or bonds.  it is based on a conscious decision to love someone and to be committed to that person regardless of how they act, what they look like, or how they treat you.  it is a perfect love, one that is held by the Creator of love towards all of humankind.  it is best shown in romans 5:8 which says that God has shown us His love by CHRIST dying for us, even though we were sinners.  it is the love you are to use when commanded to love your enemies.  it is the only love that can allow you to truly forgive someone for a wrong committed against you.  moreover, it is that love that allows full reconciliation after forgiveness.  this love is consistently found in those marriages that last for 30 years or more. 

the beatles once said, “all you need is love,” and there is truth in that, but it is the right combination of the three kinds of love.  but to truly have a love that brings lasting joy, a combination of the three is necessary.  you can have agape, and a relationship can last, but one or both people can be completely miserable.  that is not the love that we are meant to experience.  love is meant to bring joy, and when you look at the characteristics of love in 1 corinthians 13, they are made up of a combination of all three.  when all three are present, there is a fulfillment like no other.  the temptation to look elsewhere is diminished, and each person learns to not only be content with their lover, but with themselves as well.  true love builds up everyone involved.

our story is one that would not have happened had the right combination of those three expressions of love not been present.  it is the story of two young people, from completely different backgrounds, who discovered each other, and the joy that could be had through a shared love, and as a result, they discovered themselves.  it is a story of happiness and heartbreak, joy and bitterness, hope and despair, hurt and forgiveness, loss and triumph.  the details are not always pretty, but the finished work is a beautiful masterpiece. it is a story of love.