throw-away marriage

my bride and i are celebrating 13 years of marriage bliss (or something like it) in less than three weeks.  being an avid student of all things i find important, i've been delving through some marriage books such as "the five love languages (military edition)" and "real marriage."  three deployments in three years has definitely taken its toll on our family and our marriage, and thanks to the grace and honesty of my amazingly supportive bride, there were some things that i needed to work on that i was completely unaware i had begun developing, such as detachment and other emotional defenses.  so i've been trying to take advantage of this time apart to attempt to come back a better husband and father than i was when i left.  and it doesn't matter who you are, if you aren't growing in something, you are decaying.  it's the cause and effect nature of life. 

(note: i use "Church" in this post referring to the holy Church as a body, which was instituted by CHRIST, and "church" in reference to the business organization that fills so many buildings with crosses on them today.)

in pondering the topic of marriage, i began to think about marriage in general and all of the debate surrounding marriage today.  it's interesting that only 20 or 30 years ago, the church was all about how divorce was evil, and the availability of no fault divorces would destroy the family.  however, when attempts at legislating divorce failed, the church gave up and moved onto a different social target, which was abortion at the time.  so what happened?  did we lose sight of divorce and the detriment and heartbreak it can cause, or did we simply concede defeat and attack a different front? 

i also shake my head at the hypocrisy of the church today to condemn same-sex marriage when we readily accept divorce, and become the embodiment of the proverbial speck and log parable told by Jesus.  i'm not saying same-sex marriage is biblical, because it is by no means that, but it's no wonder society looks at us as a church and says, "why should we listen to your teachings on marriage when you don't even obey them yourselves?"

i say that as multiple marriages i know currently are on the verge of ending in divorce. moreover, as a counselor, a large majority of my cases are marriages that are ending or in trouble.  divorce is nothing new.  it was referenced even in old testament times.  there are varying beliefs on divorce within the Church, with some allowing for divorce in cases of abandonment or adultery, and others going so far as to say divorce is never allowed.  i fall under the former, even though it is still not the ideal.  if marriage is supposed to be the picture of CHRIST's relationship to His Church, then where would we be if He took that stance?  i believe that all marriages can be saved if the two people are committed to each other, and i counsel to that effect.  don't get me wrong, there are situations where i believe separation is necessary, and even divorce, such as in cases of abuse and neglect, but again, it was not the ideal that God set up from the beginning.  there is a reason divorce is so detrimental to CHRISTians (i say that because governmental marriage does not equate to biblical marriage.)  the Bible states that when two people are joined in holy marriage before God, they are one flesh.  so a divorce is essentially splitting one person into two separate halves, which is majorly traumatic.

but today, society has bought into a few major lies:  everything is disposable, people deserve to be happy, and there is room for a standard of beauty among CHRISTians.  these three lies have led to the destruction of most of the marriages that i have watched crumble as lives were destroyed.

the first lie is that everything is disposable.  in talking with a chief on one of my ships, he said that his grandparents had been married for 60 years, and his "pawpaw" attributed that to the mentality of society when they got married.  he said, "back then, when something broke, you didn't run to the store and buy another one, you fixed it.  so we took that approach with marriage."  there's some truth to that.  we live in a throw-away, instant gratification society.  so when a marriage isn't working, we throw it to the trash and go find another one.  when our spouse isn't satisfying us, we throw them to the side go find someone who will.  i went to a wedding some years back, and in the vows, they removed "till death do us part," and replaced it with "as long as love shall last."  well, the problem with that mentality lies in how they define love.  this is because society's definition of love is severely flawed, and i see that played out everyday when couples sit in my office and say, "we just fell out of love," as if love is some sort of wagon that you're riding in and then just slip and fall out.  love is no longer seen as commitment and unconditional.  it is an emotion, based on those romantic or sexual feelings that we have in the beginning.  when those fade, rather than saying "what happened and how do we fix it?" we say "well, this one is broken.  time to go get another one."  it sets up a vicious cycle if left unchecked, because once that broken marriage is replaced with a shiny new one that is full of that excitement and romance, it eventually will suffer the same fate. 

the second lie is that people deserve to be happy.  this is a direct product of the self-esteem movement of the 1980s, which led to the "me-generation" where everyone is focused on self.  when someone tells me that they deserve to be happy, i immediately ask them why.  the stammering and the digging for reasons is indicative of the true reality, which is that none of us deserve to be happy.  we are all liars, cheaters, thieves, adulterers, idolaters, murderers (yes, if we harbor hate in our heart CHRIST says it is the same as murder), and breakers of God's law.  that means that we deserve death, judgment, and hell.  now, we don't like to hear that because we like to think that we are inherently good.  don't believe it?  ask somebody if they're good, and they'll say yes, but if you point out their flaws, they begin to list all the things that they didn't do, and compare themselves to others whom they see as "worse" than them.  it's human nature, based off of pride.  the problem is, if we break one part of the law, we are guilty of the whole of the law.  that means that we are as just as guilty before God as the murderer on death row, the rapist serving life, the homosexual engaging in sex with their partner, or the roman centurion pounding nails into a perfect Saviour.  but we buy into the lie that we are good, ignoring Scripture which says our righteousness is like bloody menstrual rags, and therefore we deserve certain things, including happiness.  so when our marriage partner ends up not making us happy anymore because they don't pick up after themselves, they spend too much money or hoard too much money, they pick their teeth, they gained or lost weight, they want too much sex or not enough sex, or any of the other flaws that we can point out that bring us down, we bail.  we gravitate towards that person or thing or lifestyle that meets our standard of happiness.  we run to that greener grass, not taking into account that it's probably growing on top of a septic system.

the third lie we buy is that there is a standard of beauty among CHRISTians.  i am not just referencing physical beauty, either.  society has gotten us to believe that beauty lies in measurements, facial features, personality, attraction, or any other standard we can set up.  so when our spouse no longer has the six pack abs or the perfect breasts or the brown hair (or hair at all) then we have the right to no longer be attracted to that person.  when our spouse, who used to be an extrovert and the life of the party, now would rather stay home and spend time with their family, we get to go and find someone else who is.  and many times i see it where people marry based upon their pre-conceived ideas of what a beautiful marriage is, and when it doesn't meet that standard of beauty, we feel gipped, and want a refund.  but the fact is that God only has one standard of beauty, and that is CHRIST.  and all of us fall desperately short of that standard, so we rely on His grace in applying that standard of beauty to us, so that when God sees us, He only sees the beauty of His Son.  and then we apply that to our spouse so that when i see my spouse, i see not just a smoking hot woman that needs kissing, (hey, it's true!) but i see her as a child of the King, a princess of God, a sister in Christ (don't think on that one too long because it gets to be a little creepy), and i see her as God sees her:  holy, blameless, and beyond reproach. 

i'll be honest here, when my bride and i got married, things were great.  we were living off of love, and didn't have much money, but that was okay.  however, as kids came along and the stresses of life began to bear down on us, that initial marital bliss that we enjoyed faded.  there were years in our marriage where it was difficult, and i know she would admit it as well.  thankfully, we both came into this marriage with the commitment to love each other, whether we liked each other at the time or not, and we have made it through some very difficult times.  we will probably have more difficult times in the future, and i know you find it hard to believe, but we don't always get along or agree on everything.  she still severely dislikes my music and her frumpy nightgowns aren't my favorite, but we make it work.  she knows that i am here for the long haul, and i know she isn't going anywhere. 

so what was the purpose of this post?  it's simply to step back and look at your marriage and thank God for your spouse.  ask yourself how do you live out your definition of love for your spouse?  are you making the choice to love them despite their flaws?  are they perfect despite their imperfections?  or is your love fickle, and you find yourself longing for greener pastures?  if that is you, then you have the wrong definition of love.  you have turned your back on your faith and essentially said that God made a mistake when He put the two of you together.  remember, God doesn't make mistakes, and when He brings two people together and accepts their vows as they make them to each other and to Him, he expects you to live out those vows.  and the wonderful thing about CHRIST is that He does forgive us when we do mess up.  even when a person has gone through divorce, He still forgives, even though the earthly consequences are still there.  but if a person is making plans to leave their spouse without prayerful consideration (and don't say that you have prayed and God has told you to leave your spouse, because that would make God a liar in His Word and inconsistent with His nature) then they are ignoring Scripture when paul said, "what shall we say then?  should we continue to sin so that we can get more grace?  GOD FORBID!"

i know that this is a touchy and difficult post, and each person has their own unique situation.  i have said before, and i will say it again, if a person is in an abusive relationship, then the marriage vows have been abandoned and the person needs to get to safety.  but Scripture is clear on marriage and divorce, and even if the church has conceded defeat in the divorce battle, it does not mean that i will.  otherwise i need to rip this cross off of my collar and go find another occupation.

finally, the church has made great strides in recent years in caring for divorced people and helping them and their children work through the trauma that it causes.  they have gone from condemnation to compassion, but must be careful to not delve over into condoning.  as the societal debates rage on, may the Church continue to reach out with compassion to our fellow sinners out there and show them the better way that CHRIST provides through His blood and redemption.  i used to say, "there but for the grace of God go i," but the truth is, i am just as guilty and "there i go, but because of the grace of God the price has been paid."  may it be said of all of us.