the list

most of us have seen billy madison, the movie of adam sandler fame.  one of my favorite scenes in the movie is when steve buscemi's character shoots the guy in the butt that had evidently tormented him in high school, and billy madison says, "man, am i glad i called that guy [to apologize]!"  many of us are like that guy.  we may not have our "kill" list, but we have our list all the same.  you know the list.  the list of those people that we can never forgive.  the ones that have done too much to deserve forgiveness.   the ones that if it were legal, we would probably be steve buscemi's character on a roof somewhere with a rifle ready to take them out, or at least take out their kneecaps.

many times when i'm writing these things, it's because it is something that i've come to the realization of in my own life.  as i was preparing a sermon on forgiveness, God smacked me over the head and said, "get it now?"  i must say that it is something that i have struggled with, despite my denial, for a long time.  it's no wonder my favorite movie characters are guys like the boondock saints, the punisher, the crow, and batman.  these are people who see evil people and give them what they deserve!  there are times i see people hurt, and i would love nothing more than to sit somewhere and wait in the shadows for the right chance to exact justice on that person -- painful justice.  the problem is, it's not biblical, and it's definitely not the way of Jesus.  while Scripture definitely supports earthly  punishment, specifically when carried out by the government that God has placed over you, it does not support vigilantism and the rights of humans to take the law into their own hands.

in thinking about my anniversary, there is no truer test of love than the ability to forgive.  1 Corinthians states, "love holds no records of wrongs committed."  so that means the next argument you get in, bringing up the fact that the other has repeatedly committed the offense is a moot point, unless you have a problem with forgiveness.  if you have truly reached a healthy level of forgiveness for that person's offense, then the argument will be on the offense committed that started the argument.  that's tough, i know.  and my bride and i have had to forgive a lot to even make it to the altar, much less the many times after we have had to forgive since we've been married.

during our seven-year break-up, there were a couple of years where we didn't talk, and if we did, it was usually less than amicably.  and i was very angry for a long time at her for the break-up.  however, when CHRIST saved me, my first true test of forgiveness was when it came to her.  i saw her at a softball game one evening, and i made sure to take the long way around the field so that i wouldn't have to talk to her.  that night, God told me, "chris, you need to forgive her," to which i replied, "absolutely not!"  the next couple of days brought repeated convictions from God.  "chris, you have to forgive her!"  i was like a child, crossing my arms and sticking my lip out and refusing in my stubbornness.  i remember finally saying, "God, i can't forgive her.  You don't know what she did to me!" and God, in His gentle way, reminded me, "they spit on me."  after that, i was like, "ok, but she probably isn't going to accept it.  she hates me now."  God said, "just trust Me."

the next night was a thursday, and as i was walking up to the field, i saw her in the dugout.  as i walked up, i had a knot in my stomach bigger than a softball!  i went to the fence and said, "hey."  she turned around and looked at me and said, "hey," in this cold, icy tone.  i almost turned and walked away, but i decided i was committed at that point.  sure, i could have just forgiven her from a distance, but i needed her to know that i held no ill will towards her, and also to ask for her forgiveness as well for all the stuff that i had done.  i asked if i could talk to her for a second after the game, and she said ok, and that she would meet me at my car.  it wasn't an enthusiastic agreement by any means, but at least it was an agreement!  after the game, i walked up and she had her hands on her hips in a confrontational stance and as i walked up, she said, "what do you want?"  what happened next can only be described as God's work, because i began to tell her that i was sorry for all of the things that i had said and done to hurt her, and that i had forgiven her because CHRIST had forgiven me, and her countenance melted.  her shoulders dropped and her hands left her hips and a smile eased across her face as i talked.  she said, "thank you" and apologized as well, and that forgiveness that both of us gave that night put us on a path that would ultimately lead to marriage.  there would be many more times before we were back together that forgiveness would be necessary for both of us, but it made all the difference in our relationship.

i need to make something clear.  the above story made it sound easy.  however, the truth is that it was anything but.  there were times that the past would creep back up, and i could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and i would have to remind myself that i had forgiven her for that, and renew that forgiveness.  see, there's this old adage of "forgive and forget," but the truth is, we may forgive, but we never forget.  that is why Jesus told peter that we are to forgive someone 70 times seven!  it is a process, and not a one time event.  i frequently counsel people who have a hard time letting go of past offenses, as if forgiving the person somehow lets them off the hook for what they did.  but nothing is farther from the truth.  it means that you choose to no longer harbor those angry feelings towards that person for the offense.  and truthfully, forgiveness is just as much for you as it is the other person.  when you hold onto anger, it turns into bitterness, and then into hate, and once that bitterness and hate takes root inside of you, it will eat you up like a cancer and rob you of the true heights of joy you might have.  i tell the person that the way you can truly tell you have reached a healthy level of forgiveness, is when that offense is brought to mind, it no longer elicits that strong response of anger inside of you, and the desire to repay is gone.

you see, this is something that i still struggle with on a daily basis.  i do not have a problem forgiving my bride, because i love her.  however, the true test of how forgiving you are is how you forgive others that you do not love on an emotional level.  we are supposed to love our enemies, and in loving them, that includes forgiving them.  but this is extremely difficult.  there have been those that have wronged me in the past, and i still get those strong feelings for exacting my version of justice against them.  not God's justice, mind you.  my justice.  however, as a husband and a father, the things i have the hardest time forgiving now are the offenses committed against my family.  don't get me wrong, i am the shepherd of my home, and i will do everything within the limits of CHRIST's love to eradicate any wolves that threaten my family, but it is in the aftermath that i have the problem of forgiving.  i can draw up my list right now of people that i would love to go and pound on their faces for a while, and that's not healthy.  there is a place for righteous anger, especially when it comes to standing up for those you love, as we saw when CHRIST turned over the tables in the temple because of their defaming His Father's house.  however, Scripture tells us that when we are angry, do not sin.  moreover, it says "do not let the sun go down on your harsh anger."  get that?  that means don't carry it over to tomorrow.  that's where forgiveness comes into play.  those same people that Jesus chased while swinging cords, He referenced less than a week later when He said, "forgive them, because they don't know what they are doing."  so making that decision to forgive is a time-sensitive decision, or you run the risk of carrying it over, which makes it easier to hold on to it, and boy, do we like to hold on to it.  our anger becomes a comfort to us, a companion that we carry with us like a security blanket, as if by holding on to it we are somehow making that person suffer for what they did.  however, we aren't hurting that person (unless we are exacting our own version of justice with a baseball bat!)  and if we are truthful, they could probably care less.  they may not even know that they hurt us.  or, if they did know, and haven't asked for forgiveness, then it was intentional and they want us to hurt and be angry.  we have given them the satisfaction of having control over our emotions, and anyone that controls us in any way is our master, and we we are their slaves! in the end, we are only hurting ourselves by holding on to that anger.

one caveat:  forgiving someone does not mean that we befriend them, or that we reach some sort of agreement.  you steal from me, i'll forgive you, but i'm going to keep my possessions locked up as long as you're around.  i may be commanded to love you, but that does not mean that i have to invite you to my next cookout, or that i have to pretend as if you are my favorite person in the world.  what happens after that forgiveness in terms of the relationship is then placed directly onto that person's shoulders.  if you forgive somebody for a wrong, and they take steps to right that wrong and to show that they are a changed person, then a relationship is possible.  forgiveness also does not mean that we are to be a whipping post for someone.  if someone is abusing you in some form, you can forgive them, but get away from them!  there's a saying, "burn me once, shame on you.  burn me twice, shame on me."  so forgiveness has no limits, but trust does.  

it's such a simple concept, forgiveness, yet one that takes lifetimes to master.  there are offenses committed that are so personal, and so hurtful, that forgiving seems not only difficult, but downright impossible.  but there are jews that survived auschwitz that have publicly forgiven their german tormentors, therefore there must be some hope.  jeffrey dahmer was witnessed to in prison by the parents of one of his victims, and reportedly became a CHRISTian because of it.  i have to admit, i'd have a really tough time with that one.  after all, a person like dahmer doesn't deserve forgiveness, right?  there are some people that are just beyond it, aren't there?  take it one step further.  what about isis?  should we forgive them?  Scripture says so.  moreover, it says we are to love them!  "not me," you say.  "i will forgive them with a bullet, but that's about it."  but what if CHRIST took that attitude with us?  one of the marks of a CHRISTian is the ability to forgive.  and if you can't, then you need to compare yourself to the mirror of Scripture where it says if we don't forgive others, then we won't be forgiven, meaning that if we are unable to forgive it is a pretty good indication that we are not in CHRIST, and therefore not forgiven ourselves.

so remember, as you navigate the waters of this fallen world, both in marriage, and in public, there are people that are going to hurt you.  strife is inevitable in life.  however, what you do with that hurt, is what defines you.