real love

on this day, 13 years ago, i traveled to clarksdale, ms, to begin the preparations to marry my bride.  so in the coming days, expect a few more blog posts as i brag on my bride and our relationship.  as mentioned in my last post, marriages nowadays seem to be going to the wayside, with most of them ending before the seven year mark.  the divorce rate is dropping, yes, but a significant reason for that is many couples are choosing not to get married and simply live together, so the ending of those relationships is not figured in the divorce statistic, otherwise it would be much higher.  so 13 years of marital bliss, or something like it, is something that i am proud of.  however, it is only because of CHRIST that we are where we are today, so i give Him the credit for modeling to us what true love is.  and that's what we strive for.  my post is not meant to put us up on a pedestal as the end all, be all example of a perfect marriage.  yes, our marriage is perfect, in its imperfections.  we get angry at each other.  there are times we don't talk to each other, or conversely we raise our voice at each other.  we can be selfish.  we can be arrogant (after all, i'm always right, right baby love?)  i am stubborn and she is persistent (notice i didn't say nagging!)  i am passive-aggressive and she is blunt and confrontational.  we are an example of opposites attracting, but sometimes opposites attacking.  however, we have love, and it is a love that requires work, as any good thing does.

there are many things in life that bring people joy.  some find joy in simple things, such as a sunset, a day at the beach, or a bouquet of fresh cut daisies.  others find joy in more tangible things, things like money, a car, a house.  still others search for joy in a job, a hometown, or travelling.  and some find their joy in a combination of any of the above things.  but there is no greater joy in this life than to find love.  love can take on many forms, and love is a complicated word.  it is so complicated that the greeks had three different words for love:  eros, phileo, and agape. 

the first word, eros, is a physical love.  it is where we get our word erotic.  it is the love that teenagers say they feel when they get the butterflies in their stomachs and their heart races when they see a certain boy or a girl.  it is the love that is responsible for lost virginity, for broken hearts, and for strings of failed dating relationships.  it is a very powerful emotion, releasing endorphins, the “feel good” chemicals in our brains, which creates a sort of addiction, which is why we never get over our first love.  that initial feeling creates such a mark in our memories, that we spend the rest of our lives chasing that feeling, much like a drug addict chasing that first high.  but we should never dismiss eros as simplistic and shallow, for it is a gateway emotion, that when paired with the other two creates something so magical it could only have been created by the Creator. 

the second word, phileo, is love based on a bond.  it is the love felt between friends and family members.  it literally means “brotherly love,” which is where we get the name of our city philadelphia, meaning the “city of brotherly love.”  it is this love that goes beyond mere physical attraction.  on the love scale, it is the mid-level love.  it’s a love that isn’t based on simple emotions or feelings, but rather is one that goes deeper and is more complex.  unlike eros, phileo is a love that is not easily lost.  this is why old friends can spend years and even decades apart, and then when they get back together again pick up like they never were apart.  it’s why brothers and sisters, no matter how far apart they are, will relish every chance they have to spend together, no matter how much that sibling may have been annoying or even infuriating in the past.  like said before, it is not easily lost, but yet it can be lost.  there are stories of brothers going lifetimes without talking over a fight.  there are children who seek to “divorce” their parents.  best friends can quickly become enemies under the right circumstances.  even husbands and wives who genuinely have this kind of love based on the bond of matrimony, can eventually grow apart or have a big enough fight that they walk away from the relationship.  one redeeming factor of phileo is that it is a love that can be restored, but only if the third type of love is present. 

the third type of love is agape, meaning unconditional love.  the first two loves have conditions to them.  they are based on feelings and emotions, and those can be very fickle.  emotions are very powerful, and can cause us to make decisions many times without thinking about them.  or they are based on bonds, bonds that can be broken, thereby making that love no longer valid.  agape is not like this.  it is not based on emotions or bonds.  it is based on a conscious decision to love someone and to be committed to that person regardless of how they act, what they look like, or how they treat you.  it is a perfect love, one that is held by the Creator of love towards all of humankind.  it is best shown in romans 5:8 which says that God has shown us His love by CHRIST dying for us, even though we were sinners.  it is the love you are to use when commanded to love your enemies.  it is the only love that can allow you to truly forgive someone for a wrong committed against you.  moreover, it is that love that allows full reconciliation after forgiveness.  this love is consistently found in those marriages that last for 30 years or more. 

the beatles once said, “all you need is love,” and there is truth in that, but it is the right combination of the three kinds of love.  but to truly have a love that brings lasting joy, a combination of the three is necessary.  you can have agape, and a relationship can last, but one or both people can be completely miserable.  that is not the love that we are meant to experience.  love is meant to bring joy, and when you look at the characteristics of love in 1 corinthians 13, they are made up of a combination of all three.  when all three are present, there is a fulfillment like no other.  the temptation to look elsewhere is diminished, and each person learns to not only be content with their lover, but with themselves as well.  true love builds up everyone involved.

our story is one that would not have happened had the right combination of those three expressions of love not been present.  it is the story of two young people, from completely different backgrounds, who discovered each other, and the joy that could be had through a shared love, and as a result, they discovered themselves.  it is a story of happiness and heartbreak, joy and bitterness, hope and despair, hurt and forgiveness, loss and triumph.  the details are not always pretty, but the finished work is a beautiful masterpiece. it is a story of love.