wherever i may roam

as i sit here and begin the long, arduous process to prepare for my imminent departure, i think about the life that God has called my family and i to.  it is a life of constant change:  housing changes, friend changes, location changes, school changes, job changes, doctor changes, church changes, uniform changes, just to name a few.  and then there is the huge elephant in the room.  in the military, it's one that we tend to really ignore until we bump right into it, but we are always aware of its presence.  we know it's just a matter of time before we have to start eating that elephant, one bite at a time.  that elephant?  deployment.  there's a saying in the navy/marine corps, not if but when.  it's not if you deploy, it's when.  my date is coming up rapidly, and i have begun the preparations for it.  i am preparing physically, with packing, training, etc.  i am preparing mentally, with classes, schedules, and what not.  i am preparing spiritually, constantly seeking God's face as to what He would have me accomplish for the deployment. but i am not prepared emotionally.  some would call it denial, as if i can ignore it and won't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it.  but it is more than that.  men are not emotional beings, as a general rule.  you ask a man how he's feeling, and you're liable to get either a one word answer (fine, okay, good, ticked, etc.), or the inevitable "i don't know".  this is not men being difficult.  it is simply us being honest.  we never really think about feelings too much, so when we are forced to define them, it is like asking for us to describe some place we've only been to a scarce few times.  we might know some general details, but not specifics.  you ask a woman how she is feeling, and you are likely to get 15 answers.  women are an emotional roller coaster, so a woman can truly say she's happy one minute, and sad the next, or any of the countless variations (frustrated, upset, depressed, confused, the list goes on and on!).  but not men.  we know three basic emotions:  happiness, sadness, and anger.  that's the emotional trichotomy of a man.  recognizing this weakness innate within me, i will attempt to describe what is going through my soul as i approach departure.

the first emotion i would have to own up to is excitement.  i am excited because i am getting to do what God has called me to do.  i can do it here in the states, i know that, but i joined the military with the anticipation of deploying and going where the marines and sailors need me most, and now that is here, so i am excited.  i am excited because i am an experiential being.  i have a wandering bug in me.  i love to see new places, experience new things.  i am getting to go to places that i've never been before, meet people in cultures that i would otherwise never be exposed to.  through that, i am getting to be a light for CHRIST everywhere i go.  i may not be able to openly proselytize, but i am still allowed to wear my cross on my collar, which gives me an in whenever anyone sees it, to be a witness in my actions to those i meet.  so i am excited.

another emotion i am experiencing is apprehension.  i would not go so far as to call it fear, but i will say i am apprehensive.  some of the places we are going will inevitably place us in danger.  we have been vaccinated for every disease and illness they can vaccinate us against, but there are still those out there that have no vaccination, and we will likely be exposed to those.  so there's that element of danger.  also, whenever we leave the united states, we are exposing ourselves to danger.  we will visit war-torn areas, impoverished areas, and areas influenced by those who seek to do us harm.  you never realize what a blessing it is to live in the united states in relative safety until you leave her for foreign shores.  i trust in my God, and know that He is with me, but i do understand now what the psalmist said in the 23rd psalm.  i am also apprehensive as to my family.  i worry about their safety when i am gone.  i worry about who is going to change the flat tire on my wife's suv.  i worry about my middle son jumping out of his treehouse with his superman cape on and ending up in the hospital.  i worry about my youngest son not being able to remember and recognize me when i return.  so there is apprehension.

there is also sadness.  this one is a given.  in the past week, i have hardly been able to talk about it while looking at my bride or three beautiful boys without tearing up.  they are a part of me, and you might as well be ripping me in half and leaving one half here and shipping the other off.  it is excruciating to think about being away from them, and what i will miss while gone.  thankfully, i have not had to miss a birthday yet because of military travel, and this is one of those times when i won't.  however, i do know the time will come when i may have to do that, and that saddens me.  i think about going to sleep every night without my "baby love" cuddled up in my arms.  i realize that there will be no warm body in my bed for me to snuggle up to when i am freezing.  i will miss the comfortable silences we share, when being in the same room with each other is enough.  i will miss the playful banter we toss back and forth when we talk "smack" to each other in jesting.  and i will even miss having her there to infuriate me because she told me something that i really needed to hear, but didn't want to admit because of pride or stubbornness.  i will miss my boys.  gavin is like me.  i know it affects him, but he kind of keeps it to himself.  he is truly my "mini-me".  he looks like me, acts like me, and talks like me.  i will miss his random facts about snakes, sharks, the titanic, weather, or whatever subject he happens to be focusing on at that moment.  but mostly i will miss when he calls me to his room to give him a big hug and kiss before he goes to sleep.  he won't go to sleep without it.  nathan, now he's like lori.  he looks like her more than me, and he is like her in that he wears his heart on his sleeve.  there is never any doubt about what nathan is feeling at a particular moment, as he will readily let you know.  his flare for the dramatic keeps us either in hilarity, or in frustration.  i will miss his playful spirit, coming up and wanting to try and take me down.  but most of all, i will miss nathan climbing up into the chair with me for no other reason than to sit in my lap and lay his head on my chest and watch "phineas and ferb".  then there's logan.  he's my little buddy.  we had an amazing day playing at the beach yesterday.  he loves for me to flip him up in the air like we are part of a traveling circus act, while his mom gasps in apprehension.  i will miss his giggle whenever he and i play our cat and mouse game through the house.  but most of all, i will miss holding him to get him to sleep at night.  he normally gives lori a hard time going to sleep, but when i hold him, he settles down and goes right out, as i rock him back and forth and he and i look into each other's eyes as he drifts off into dream land.  so there is sadness, and it is the elephant in the room that takes up most of the space.

wow, all this emotional talk is draining!

but there is yet another emotion looming.  i couldn't put my finger on it until last night.  as i was packing some things, i was watching my bride over on the computer, who is a master at multi tasking, as she typed, watched "army wives", and watched me.  as i was selecting items and checking them off, the excitement was building in me, but the sadness was there as well, and then it hit me.  i was feeling guilt!  i was feeling guilt that i was excited about this trip.  how could i be excited about leaving my family?!?  i was feeling guilt that i was leaving my bride all alone for months to take care of the house and the kids by herself.  she is an amazing woman and i know she can handle it, but never the less, i was still leaving her.  i was feeling guilt that i was about to cause them terrible sadness by leaving for such a long period of time.  every time that nathan comes up to me and hugs me and says in a sad voice, "i will miss wu when wou're gone," it twists the knife in my soul.  God has called me to this ministry, and i know this is part of it.  i now realize what paul meant when he said that he wished all men were like him, unmarried, so they would be more willing to go anywhere God sent them without an emotional conflict.  don't get me wrong here, i love being married, and would not change it for the world, but i understand what paul was saying.  however, i also know that when i do get back, i will experience that other verse where God said, "it is not good for chris to be alone" (italics mine!), as i will have a bride waiting on me that will wrap me in her arms and three boys who will jump on me as soon as i get off that bus, and i'll take that over coming back home to an empty barracks room any day!  so i will deal with the guilt.

i still have some time left before i leave.  it's not a long time by any means.  if you ask me, it would never be long enough.  so i have chosen to tuck these emotions away for now, and enjoy having my family beside me until the time comes that i must deal with these emotions.  all of these emotions will likely stay with me, and morph during the trip, with some outweighing others at different times.  however, the emotion that i will hold on to is anticipation.  anticipation of my reuniting with the family that God has blessed me with.  anticipation of my bride's embrace!  anticipation of playing with my sons!  anticipation of being back home, where i belong.

p.s. doesnt' this give you an idea of how it should be with us as CHRISTians?  excitement at the opportunities God places before us.  apprehension at the unknown places he will take us.  sadness at living in a fallen world, that is not our home, and at what we could be experiencing in heaven.  and guilt at having loved this present life more than the next.  but most importantly, anticipation of eternity with our Jesus!