sad little tree

i am having an identity crisis.  i am a tree.  a common evergreen, usually of the spruce, fir, cedar, or pine variety that most people put out around CHRISTmas time.  for a couple centuries, i’ve been called a CHRISTmas tree, but lately, my cousins have been renamed as holiday trees.  but that is not my quandary.  CHRISTmas tree, holiday tree, festive tree, it makes no difference to me.  whatever my cousins are called, they are still used for the same purpose:  celebrating CHRISTmas.  “a rose called by any other name…” and all that.  but my existence is within a different paradigm.  some years, i am put up at CHRISTmas time.  the family decorates me and the children get excited when they see me.  the parents sit at night on the couch together and look at me in the dark as my lights twinkle in the corner of the living room.  presents are wrapped and placed under me, and i am enjoyed for the entire month of december. 

other years, i am put up in july, or september, or even february.  my branches are decorated in the same CHRISTmas fashion, and i must look odd and out of place to the world outside my home.  presents are still placed under me, but the excitement is dulled, and there is a somber mood that surrounds me.  i do not particularly care for those times, but it is still nice to be used.

but there are some years that i am not put up at all.  i sit in my box in the back of the garage and gather dust.  one year, i was put up at CHRISTmas, and i was excited as i looked forward to a month of children playing around me, being the center of attention in the room, and bringing joy to the family.  but i was taken down immediately after in the midst of tears and thrown roughly back into my box and shoved back into the garage.  this year, i sat here in my box and waited.  and waited.  and waited.  but was never retrieved.  i felt the chill in the air of december come and go, and the warmth return again, and was never allowed to leave my box.  i suppose it is because i am a reminder of what’s missing in the family during those times.  i belong to a military family, and deployments are no respecter of holidays, even CHRISTmas.  so i get neglected, and that’s ok.  i understand.  i may not like it, but i would rather stay in my box than bring sadness to people.  because i realize i am lucky.

you see, there are some of my cousins that may never get put up again.  they had the same erratic schedule that i did for years, until one day, a knock on the door changed CHRISTmas forever for their family.  now, they are always a reminder of what will forever be missing at CHRISTmas time.  i’ve heard that they’ve been replaced by little tabletop shrubs, or were never replaced at all.  so for now, i’ll settle with my erratic schedule.  although i do not like not knowing when i’ll be put up, at least i know i’ll get put up.  and while i may be a reminder of what’s temporarily missing, i know i’m not a twisting knife in the heart of a family that will never celebrate CHRISTmas in the same way again. 

so call me what you will:  CHRISTmas tree, holiday tree, festive tree, it makes no matter.  but when you look at my cousin in your living room this year, remember Who it is we represent, and say a prayer for those who will put my cousins up in a ramshackle mud hut in the desert, or a steel gray ship at sea, and see halos around their twinkle lights through the tears as they miss their families.  and remember those families for whom we are a reminder of a permanent hole in their lives every year in the month before december 25th.