20150610

liar, liar, pants on...

one of my favorite shows is the andy griffith show, and in that show, andy once said, "oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."  this was actually a quote from an epic poem named "marmion" by sir walter scott, but being that i hadn't heard of sir walter scott, or the poem, at the time, i will forever remember it as a quote by andy.  today's society is one that is now rife with liars, and as the presidential election heats up, we will see outright evidence of it on our televisions and computer screens.  politicians lie, the media lies, business leaders lie.  it has become so commonplace, that the only way to tell when these people are lying is when their lips are moving.  lies like the ones they tell, generally don't have a direct effect on us, but secondary ones.  however, when people lie directly to us, it becomes way more personal. 

as a chaplain, i deal with liars on a daily basis.  people who lie to their commands to avoid punishment.  people who lie to their spouses to avoid fights.  people who lie to caregivers so they can go home from deployment.  it can be very frustrating.  as a chaplain, i am bound by total confidentiality, meaning that i cannot divulge to anyone, no matter rank or position, anything anyone says to me within the confines of counseling, even in intention or admission of harm to self or others.  this includes lies that people have told, that i know to be false, yet i cannot tell anyone.  when i see the service member who has been sleeping with a "boat boo" on the ship, walk across that pier on homecoming and hug and kiss their spouse, i get angry and want to go over and save that spouse from that service member's lies, but i can't.  i get even angrier when people lie to me, someone who is trying to help them.  lies can be destructive, especially when they affect those we care about.

in order to see the destruction lies can cause, we have to first look at the kinds of lies there are.  the first is lies of omission.  these are the lies that are told in our actions, and in statements of half truths.  it is the lie told by the service member when he hugs that spouse he has just cheated on.  his lack of honesty with her, while pretending that he is the devout husband, is one that, when discovered, can have far more devastating effects when discovered.  and make no mistake, they are usually discovered, sometimes not until years later, but the effects are no less harmful.  many times people think that they are protecting the one that they care about by not telling the whole truth, when in actuality they are only hurting that person and the relationship more than if they were to tell the whole truth and then ask for forgiveness.  many times people will mix lies in with the truth to make their statement more impressive or believable.  satan did this in the garden with eve when he told her that she wouldn't die.  this type of lie, when told by people, usually indicates a lack of self-esteem, as the person feels that they need to embellish the truth to make themselves look better. 

a second type of lie is the lie of deception.  this is a statement intended to deceive somebody.  this kind of lie can be broken down into lies of concealment, false promises, lies of convenience, and lies of malice.  lies of concealment are told when a person knowingly makes a false statement to avoid an unpleasant situation.  for example, a child lying and saying that they didn't take a cookie is trying to avoid getting a spanking, and thus telling a lie of concealment.  in the example above, if a wife finds out about an indiscretion, and then asks the husband about it, and he lies saying it never happened, that is a lie of concealment.  it is meant to conceal the ugly truth from the other person.  no matter the motive behind it, it is always destructive.  if a lie of concealment is discovered, the person lied to loses trust with the liar, and trust is something that is very difficult to earn again.  depending on the magnitude of the indiscretion, and the personal feelings related to the offense committed against the person lied to, a lie of concealment can wreck varying degrees of havoc on a relationship.  false promises are another form of lies of deception.  this is a promise or statement made that the maker does not intend on upholding.  these lies cause problems within all kinds of relationships, from friendships, to marriages, to business relationships.  in the past, a man's word was his bond, and today we now have more lawyers than any time in history because of this type of lie.  lies of convenience are ones that are told to gain special favors.  we have people who are identifying themselves as military members in order to gain special treatment in society.  as a chaplain, i see people use this type of lie all the time to get out of deployment.  many people will fake an illness, or suicidal ideations, because they know that it will get them out of the deployment.  this lie, while not seeming very harmful, can have secondary effects on those around them.  the person who lies to get out of the deployment, when discovered, then casts a shadow on those who have genuine problems.  the final type of lie of deception is the lie of malice.  this is the lie that is told to cause harm to another person.  it is the type of lie referenced in the ten commandments when it says to not bring false witness against your neighbor.  people lie to hurt others, which usually stems from a root of anger or jealousy within their own lives.  it is usually done with a motive of vengeance.  the problem with these types of lies is that the harm that it can cause to another person can be difficult to get past.  if a person lies and makes a false statement about another person, that lie can cause irreparable damage to that person's career, reputation, marriage, and life.  even if the lie is proven false, there will always be those that either didn't find out about the falsehood, or that simply refuse to believe it and will forever doubt that person.  we see this all the time when a person is accused of sexual assault, and later is found to be innocent, and the public still sees them as a sexual predator and treats them with distrust.  lies of deception are generally the most destructive.

another type of lie is the white lie.  these are the lies that are generally understood to not cause harm to anyone.  these can be in the forms of exaggeration or politeness.  this is the lie told when a fisherman says that the fish that got off his line was ten lbs, when in actuality it was probably closer to two.  it is the lie told when a person says that they have a prior commitment to avoid going on a date with someone that they do not like.  many will argue that these lies are socially accepted as being okay, but scripture tells us that any lying is wrong, even white lies. 

a final type of lie is the most controversial.  it is the lie of protection.  it is a lie told to protect another's feelings, safety, or reputation.  this type of lie can be construed as good or bad, depending on the situation.  people like to use the examples of those hiding jews from the nazis and lying about it, or the hebrew midwives hiding the babies born from pharaoh to save them as an example of the good of this lie.  books on ethics have been written over this type of lie, so trying to address this topic in a few paragraphs is an exercise in futility. 

the bottom line is regardless of the situation, lying is not the ideal.  while lies of protection can come down to a person's individual conscience, every other form of untruth is contradictory to Scripture, which is why they are so harmful.  CHRIST said that He is the Truth, and if we are to strive to be like Him, then we should always tell the truth.  proverbs says that one of the things that God considers an abomination is a lying tongue.  for the believer, harboring lies leads to a guilty conscience, and the effect can quickly snowball.  a person discovered in a lie will many times create another lie to cover that one up, and before they know it, that web of deceit starts to unravel, and can cause all sorts of emotional problems, from anxiety and depression, to anger and broken relationships.  it is always best to tell the truth up front, but when you've given in to the temptation to lie, whatever the reason, the best course of action is to come clean as soon as possible and ask for forgiveness.  this simple act alone can restore trust to a relationship much quicker than if the lie was discovered.  the longer the lie continues, the greater the risk of being discovered, and the more problems and hurt it causes.

for the person that has been lied to, forgiveness is paramount to healing.  while it may be difficult to trust that person for the near future, holding it against them is not biblical.  we are to grant forgiveness whenever a wrong is committed against us, no matter the degree of that wrong.  forgiveness can be instrumental in restoring trust, and in renewing a relationship.  just as telling the truth is imitating CHRIST, forgiveness is as well.  your forgiveness for the person that lied to you or about you may be the very thing CHRIST uses to bring them to Him.   

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