a midnight prayer . . .

my cries in the night seem to fall on deaf ears. God, are you there? are You listening? i know You must be. your Word promises that You are. but day by day goes by without answers. the more i try and listen, the louder life becomes. the thorns are surrounding me, choking and tearing me, stealing my source of sustainment. the sun is not a comfort. it is a thing to fear, in a dry and thirsty land.

man overboard. i am bobbing in the waves, watching the ship as it seems to sail away, leaving me adrift. but i'm a good swimmer. i can tread water. i have mastered the survival float. the irony of being destroyed by the very element that is needed for life is a daily reality. just floating, waiting for a lifeline. wondering what lies beneath the water, waiting for the chance to pull me under.

i am the shepherd of my home. i have been given the task of guiding them. protecting them. but protecting them from whom? from the world? from hunger? from the wilderness? from me? i will protect them, if it takes my last breath. i must press on. i must continue to look for safe pastures. failure is not an option.

the enemy surrounds me on all sides, licking his lips, savoring the taste of my downfall. will You continue to protect me? my family? yes, i know You will. You are faithful, when even we are not. as i walk through strange lands, with no map or knowledge of the territory, will You be my guide? the roads are strange, new to me. they are dark, i cannot see down them. where do they lead? which is a road, and which is a dead end? which one do i dare venture down? if i take the wrong one, will i be able to regress?

and so i cry. my tears form trails on my aging face, cascading to a salty end at the corners of my mouth. i look to the heavens, but right now, all i see is the cold, white ceiling. please allow the scales to fall from my eyes to see Your face. i seek You. not money, not renown, not comfort. only You. your wisdom is a treasure, buried deep, waiting to be discovered. will You reveal it to me? i know You are listening. i know You are calling. turn down the noise of life, so that my ears may clearly hear you. i need You.

grey, the color of time

as some of you know, yesterday was my birthday. another year older, another year (ahem) wiser. i don't know about all that, but i do know that my grey hair keeps multiplying like rabbits. my wife tells me that grey is sexy on a man, so i guess i'll take it. i look in the mirror each day and see my wrinkles getting deeper, my hair getting grey, and while some may view this as a malady and spend hundreds upon thousands of dollars each year trying to hide them, i wear them with a sense of pride and thankfulness. every birthday tells me two things: 1) i didn't die last year, and 2) God still has a purpose for me here on earth. one day i will stop having birthdays. but for the time being, i intend on being all that God would have me to be, and to try not to get in the way of His plan for my life too much.

i seriously wonder about these people that curse getting older. the way i see it, they have an improper view of life. the Bible tells us that our days are numbered, and that life is a gift from God, however good or bad we may view it. i think the negative feelings come in when we start looking back on our lives with regret for our past mistakes and failings. it is then that birthdays become something to lament rather than celebrate. my goal in life is to hopefully have to never look back on my life with regret of things that i could or should have done. if we live with the goal of hearing, "well done my good and faithful servant", then we will never look back with regret.

all i know is that i am blessed beyond measure. God sees fit to allow me to wake up each day and serve Him, no matter how much i may fail at it. so the way i see it, is, to quote a friend, "everyday above ground is a good day." so bring on the birthdays. bring on the top of that hill i'll be going over in a few short years. and bring on life. and for those of you who don't like getting older, i'll take those years you don't want! that gives me plenty more time with my wonderful family and to serve my God! thank You, Lord, for 34 years!

the mouths of babes

one thing that i've learned in my life, is that children are a blessing. this is not just when they are sweet, angelic little bundles of joy that bring happiness and hilarity into our lives. i've learned this through my little ones. the little darlings just bless my life every day. especially today. and, they teach me more and more about humanity and human nature, as well as myself.

as i type this, i am still somewhat fuming over something my oldest decided to "bless" me with this morning. after a weekend of visiting family over in the delta, and the subsequent spoiling of my two sons by both sets of grandparents, we arrived home at a very late hour last night. so, being the good and conscientious father that i am, i decided to let them sleep in today and keep them home from school and daycare (actually, it was my wife's idea, i just agreed with her). now, upon waking around 10 am, my oldest came walking out of his room and said that he was hungry, which was usual. being in a particularly generous mood, i offered to make him bacon and eggs for breakfast, to which he replied that he wanted corn pops instead. no harm, no foul. no feelings hurt. i said, "sure!" and whipped him up a big bowl of corn pops. i then let him go outside and play while it was still relatively cool, and even went outside with him and played for a little while. i did all the things a good dad should do. and then . . .

about 30 minutes later, my wife called and informed me that she had forgot to bring a lunch and asked would i bring her something from subway. i said i would, and loaded the two little ones into their respective car seats and we started down the road for subway. we got to subway, and i ordered my wife and myself a sandwich, thinking that the boys should not be hungry, after two bowls of cereal each only 30 minutes prior, with the intent of feeding them a late lunch. gavin, my oldest, never mentioned wanting food, never said he was hungry, never even paid attention to the food being freshly prepared in front of us, but instead was playing with his cars on the guide rail. we got in the car, and halfway back to the school, he informed me, "daddy, i want subway." i replied, "but you just ate breakfast 3o minutes ago." he said, "but i'm hungry." i said, "ok, i'll get you something a little later, i have to get mama's food back to her so she can eat it before her lunch is over." he said, "can i have subway?" and i said, "yes, but not right now. we'll go in a little while." he responded, "ok." and that was it. no more was said about the subway.

five minutes go by and we arrive at the school. lori walks out to get her food from me and greets the boys. gavin does not respond. lori asks gavin what's wrong. gavin STARTS TO CRY and tells lori that he was hungry and wanted subway and daddy wouldn't get him any! the little "angel" lied on me and made me look like a mean father who has refused to provide for the needs of his children! and then, my wife responds by saying, "chris, why didn't you get him subway? he's hungry!" the little manipulator conned my wife into chastising me for neglecting our children's needs! never once did he mention that i had told him that i would take him to subway to get lunch. never once did he sing my praises for being such a good dad all morning. instead, he betrayed me and accused me of not caring!

now, remember that part about them being a "blessing"? well, while i was fuming as i was driving back to subway per my wife's instructions to get my "blessing" some food, God, in His subtle way, said to me, "it's tough to look in the mirror sometimes, huh?" because what do i do? God can give me two wonderful, healthy children. a beautiful wife that loves me and is faithful to me. a roof over my head. a car that gets me from point a to point b without worry. a family that supports me. blessings out the ears, day after day. and i complain and cry that God isn't taking care of me, simply because i presently am jobless. nevermind the fact that i got an opportunity to spend a wonderful morning with my children that i wouldn't have otherwise got to do had i been at a job. nevermind that His Word promises that He will supply ALL my NEEDS (as mentioned in an earlier post). i betray God in my attitude. it is tough to look in the mirror, but thank God for the blessing of correcting me and keeping me in check, for His Word also says that He corrects those that He loves. now, if you'll excuse me, i'm going to kiss my little blessing goodnight.

my two blessings, gavin (left) and nathan (right)