a midnight prayer . . .

my cries in the night seem to fall on deaf ears. God, are you there? are You listening? i know You must be. your Word promises that You are. but day by day goes by without answers. the more i try and listen, the louder life becomes. the thorns are surrounding me, choking and tearing me, stealing my source of sustainment. the sun is not a comfort. it is a thing to fear, in a dry and thirsty land.

man overboard. i am bobbing in the waves, watching the ship as it seems to sail away, leaving me adrift. but i'm a good swimmer. i can tread water. i have mastered the survival float. the irony of being destroyed by the very element that is needed for life is a daily reality. just floating, waiting for a lifeline. wondering what lies beneath the water, waiting for the chance to pull me under.

i am the shepherd of my home. i have been given the task of guiding them. protecting them. but protecting them from whom? from the world? from hunger? from the wilderness? from me? i will protect them, if it takes my last breath. i must press on. i must continue to look for safe pastures. failure is not an option.

the enemy surrounds me on all sides, licking his lips, savoring the taste of my downfall. will You continue to protect me? my family? yes, i know You will. You are faithful, when even we are not. as i walk through strange lands, with no map or knowledge of the territory, will You be my guide? the roads are strange, new to me. they are dark, i cannot see down them. where do they lead? which is a road, and which is a dead end? which one do i dare venture down? if i take the wrong one, will i be able to regress?

and so i cry. my tears form trails on my aging face, cascading to a salty end at the corners of my mouth. i look to the heavens, but right now, all i see is the cold, white ceiling. please allow the scales to fall from my eyes to see Your face. i seek You. not money, not renown, not comfort. only You. your wisdom is a treasure, buried deep, waiting to be discovered. will You reveal it to me? i know You are listening. i know You are calling. turn down the noise of life, so that my ears may clearly hear you. i need You.