home or something like it

a strange thing happened this morning.  up until this point, i've been trying to ignore the holidays for the most part.  i think about them, but try not to focus on them.  i would rather put them out of my mind and just see every day at sea as a "groundhog day" of sorts, no different from the next.  however, this morning, as i sat at the table in the wardroom eating my breakfast, and drinking a cup of pumpkin spice coffee that i had brewed in the wardroom coffee pot for everyone (the officers thank you, baby love!), for no real reason, i had tears in my eyes.  maybe it was the smell of the coffee in the air, the taste of it in my cup, or the talk of the parade, or a combination of those, but i was instantly transported back in my mind to my own kitchen, leaning up against the counter with my cup of pumpkin spice coffee that i drink this time of the year, talking with my bride, and my kids running around.  scientists say that our sense of smell is one of the most powerful senses linked to our memory, and this morning proved it.  and all of a sudden, everything that i had tried to ignore slammed into me with the force of a freight train, and i gulped down my last swallow of coffee and made a dash to the restroom to splash some cold water on my face and regain my composure.  the ship does everything that they can to mitigate the pain of being away from home, and make it as "homely" as possible.  we will have a thanksgiving meal, that we all took part in the preparation of, and have a holiday routine with nothing major going on today.  the thanksgiving day parade will be on the televisions this evening, followed by football.  throughout the day, "happy thanksgiving" has been on everyone's lips that you pass.  but no matter how much they try to make it as close to home as possible, it isn't home.  and we all feel it.  our thoughts today will be overtaken by images of our families and loved ones around tables across the country, dressed in their nice clothes, eating their thanksgiving meals.  that is the sacrifice we all make for our country's freedom.

as i fought back these emotions, it brought a very interesting thought as well.  in the movie the matrix, from which this blog takes its name, morpheus tells neo before awakening him to the truth about the matrix that he has always felt that something was off, that something was not quite real about his existence.  this is an interesting parallel to us as Christ-followers.  the bible repeatedly talks about this world not being our home, and refers to us as aliens in a strange land.  you see, as Christ-followers, our home is in heaven, and even though we can do what we can to make this world as home-like as possible, it will never feel like home to us.  there will always be something that seems "off" to us, and this world is a pale comparison to our home in heaven. 

but there are those that look around them, and like the apostle paul said, will love "this present world more than the next."  many times, we accept the cheap imitation as the real, because it is our present reality, but if we are honest, and take our blinders off, we can realize that it is not real.  in the movie "labyrinth," the goblin king offers the heroine a version of her home that looks just like her home, but she realizes that it is not real, and only a cheap imitation.  that's what this world has offered us, and many of us accept it.  why do we do this?  perhaps because it's easier to accept the here and now.  so we choose to take the "blue pill" of ignorance and live in the bliss of denial because this is what we know.  it's safe, it's easy, it takes no thought or faith, and it's familiar.  we all long for the comfort of the familiar.  out at sea, we get into a routine, and this reality becomes our focus.  to think of home is too painful, so we adapt by trying to put it out of our minds.  that is why port is always bittersweet.  it breaks our routine, and we get to do things like facetime and skype with our family members, bringing a painful reminder that our reality is not what we've made it.  so many prefer to not pull into port, or to get back out to sea so that they can get back into their routine and block home out of their minds.  they've began to love this present life, more than the next.  they know that they are stuck here until the deployment is over, so why focus on what you can't have.  that's the attitude that many of us as Christ-followers have.  we are stuck here on this earth, so make the best of it and try not to focus on it not being our home, in other words, accept it.  and by doing that, we have swallowed the blue pill, and that can have disastrous consequences.  when we settle into our present reality, we can forget what we have waiting for us.  there are those that have settled so much into their ship reality, that they have made bad decisions that affect their future reality.  over-spending online, not communicating with home, and "loving the one they're with" are the results of that chosen ignorance.  it is the same for us as Christ-followers.  when we stop focusing on Christ and our future home with Him, we accept cheap imitations of his wealth and end up in debt because of coveting.  we accept cheap earthly imitations of intimacy instead of His model of holy intimacy in marriage and daily communion with Him.  we accept cheap imitations of friendship and family instead of our permanent family in heaven and stop spreading His gospel, even among our own earthly families, for fear of offending them or being ridiculed.  we accept this cheap imitation of life, instead of the abundant life that He promises us, both on this earth, and in heaven. 

so today, i made a decision to embrace my cup of pumpkin spice coffee and the memories it brings, because that is my reality here on earth.  i am consciously choosing to focus on my family back home, no matter how painful, because my longing is to be with them.  and i will be thinking about what they will be doing today, as i eat my thanksgiving meal this evening.  because i know that they will be thinking about me.  i think about my three boys, and my bride, and what it's going to be like when i am back with them.  i encourage you to do the same with this present life.  remember that this earth is not your home, and as the song says, "you are just a-passing through."  as you attend worship services this weekend, think about your family in heaven, and what their worship service must be like, and how glorious it will be!  think about those faithful departed in your own life, and the joy of seeing them again.  i think about my 3 grandparents that are there, my friends that are there, and those now that are brothers and sisters in Christ that will be there with me, and it fills me with joy.  think about the faithful departed heroes of the faith, such as the apostles, and the greats such as martin luther, charles spurgeon, john calvin, and countless others, and the conversations you will be able to have with them when you are home.  but most importantly, think about the love of your life, Christ, and being there with Him.  on that day, we will truly have the thanksgiving feast that will far surpass any that we've had on this earth!  so happy thanksgiving to all of you.  i pray that this dose of the "red pill" has refocused you, as it has me!   

sad little tree

i am having an identity crisis.  i am a tree.  a common evergreen, usually of the spruce, fir, cedar, or pine variety that most people put out around CHRISTmas time.  for a couple centuries, i’ve been called a CHRISTmas tree, but lately, my cousins have been renamed as holiday trees.  but that is not my quandary.  CHRISTmas tree, holiday tree, festive tree, it makes no difference to me.  whatever my cousins are called, they are still used for the same purpose:  celebrating CHRISTmas.  “a rose called by any other name…” and all that.  but my existence is within a different paradigm.  some years, i am put up at CHRISTmas time.  the family decorates me and the children get excited when they see me.  the parents sit at night on the couch together and look at me in the dark as my lights twinkle in the corner of the living room.  presents are wrapped and placed under me, and i am enjoyed for the entire month of december. 

other years, i am put up in july, or september, or even february.  my branches are decorated in the same CHRISTmas fashion, and i must look odd and out of place to the world outside my home.  presents are still placed under me, but the excitement is dulled, and there is a somber mood that surrounds me.  i do not particularly care for those times, but it is still nice to be used.

but there are some years that i am not put up at all.  i sit in my box in the back of the garage and gather dust.  one year, i was put up at CHRISTmas, and i was excited as i looked forward to a month of children playing around me, being the center of attention in the room, and bringing joy to the family.  but i was taken down immediately after in the midst of tears and thrown roughly back into my box and shoved back into the garage.  this year, i sat here in my box and waited.  and waited.  and waited.  but was never retrieved.  i felt the chill in the air of december come and go, and the warmth return again, and was never allowed to leave my box.  i suppose it is because i am a reminder of what’s missing in the family during those times.  i belong to a military family, and deployments are no respecter of holidays, even CHRISTmas.  so i get neglected, and that’s ok.  i understand.  i may not like it, but i would rather stay in my box than bring sadness to people.  because i realize i am lucky.

you see, there are some of my cousins that may never get put up again.  they had the same erratic schedule that i did for years, until one day, a knock on the door changed CHRISTmas forever for their family.  now, they are always a reminder of what will forever be missing at CHRISTmas time.  i’ve heard that they’ve been replaced by little tabletop shrubs, or were never replaced at all.  so for now, i’ll settle with my erratic schedule.  although i do not like not knowing when i’ll be put up, at least i know i’ll get put up.  and while i may be a reminder of what’s temporarily missing, i know i’m not a twisting knife in the heart of a family that will never celebrate CHRISTmas in the same way again. 

so call me what you will:  CHRISTmas tree, holiday tree, festive tree, it makes no matter.  but when you look at my cousin in your living room this year, remember Who it is we represent, and say a prayer for those who will put my cousins up in a ramshackle mud hut in the desert, or a steel gray ship at sea, and see halos around their twinkle lights through the tears as they miss their families.  and remember those families for whom we are a reminder of a permanent hole in their lives every year in the month before december 25th.

the downgrade of the western church

many people have compared the united states to the roman empire, and there are those who support as well as disagree with that theory.  however, one comparison that has been largely overlooked is the comparison of the organization of the church with that of the roman empire.  in the early days of the church, people met in homes in secrecy, for fear of the government and persecution.  then, upon the emperor constantine's conversion to CHRISTianity, the church got thrust from the shadows into the light and placed in a position of prominence.  while this was seen as a welcome change to many in the church of that day, it became a chink in the armor of the church as corruption infiltrated the church by those entering the clergy with a lust for power instead of a desire to follow the CHRIST of the church.  it became a social institution used for political gain, and the ethics and morals that were hallmarks of the church were replaced with greed and tyranny.

fast forward to the founding of the united states.  the founders of our country fled religious persecution to come to a country where they were free to worship CHRIST in the manner they felt was biblical.  the church experienced a revival, only to find herself subject to the ebb and flow of societal popularity, but for the most part remaining a personal aspect of the individual rather than the collective.  in post ww2, there was a heightened sense of national pride, and consumerism experienced a significant flux as the baby boomer generation burst onto the scene, and the economy shot through the roof.  it was then that a return to the church arose, and church got thrust out of the individual homes and into the public spotlight and a place of prominence.  church membership became synonymous with national pride and americana, and the consumer culture that pervade society made it's way into the church.  church became a commodity, a place to network, and a mark of a person's patriotism and societal standing.  while many baby boomers today look back to what they refer to as the "golden age" of the church and the "good ole days", the 1950s was a great boost to the church as an organization, but was one of the great detriments to the church as a biblical entity.

as the 1950s lingered on, the spiritual depth of the church became shallower and shallower, with CHRISTianity becoming replaced by a religion of morality.  This left the children of the 1950s generation disillusioned with the politics and the superficiality of their parents, resulting in the rebellion of the 1960s against everything having to do with the church and the religious moralism modeled by the previous generation.  there were slight returns to biblical CHRISTianity, but the consumer CHRISTianity that was germinated in the 1950s had taken root, and every return to biblical CHRISTianity was preyed upon by the consumer culture, like a leech sucking off of its host, but never killing it.  this cancer of consumer CHRISTianity has affected the church, and not in a good way.  the church has become a religious country club, where the command of "go" given by CHRIST has been replaced with post-modern tribalism, with church members hiding behind their million-dollar church walls and denominational signs, isolating themselves from a decadent society, but not out of a sense of fear and survival, but rather out of a need to not be bothered or taken out of their comfort zone.  this shallow version of CHRISTianity has led to a replacement of biblical principles with political correctness and a denial of the promise of CHRIST that His followers will suffer for His Name's sake.  we are told by pastors such as joel osteen that our life in CHRIST should be a dream life with God as our own personal genie, waiting to grant our every wish.  we are told by pastors like rob bell that we should ignore biblical definitions of sin in the name of love and acceptance.

in the midst of this bleak outlook, there is hope.  CHRIST founded the church, and promised that she would endure until the end.  however, the biblical church, which is made up of people, and not bricks and mortar, will carry on in a far different way than what we have seen of the church as an organization in the past half-century.  the church as an organization will carry on, but i believe it will fundamentally change to reflect the societal shifts and political pressures being placed upon it.  there is still big money to be made utilizing the CHRISTian name, and as long as there is money to be made, there will be a need for the organization to exist.  but i foresee the biblical church having to go back into the shadows in a future of increasing persecution.  the good news about this is that the biblical church has always thrived under intense persecution, and the church has always grown historically during those times.  but it is a qualitative growth vice a quantitative growth.  more time is spent actually making disciples and not converts, and the original model presented by CHRIST for the church prevails.  this happens all over the world on a daily basis, and the church thrives in those countries where persecution is heaviest.  the question CHRISTians in the united states must answer is what are we willing to endure for the sake of CHRIST?  because i have a feeling that in the not too far future we will see who is willing, and who is merely giving lip service.      

low in the grave he lay

i have seen a lot of recent posts on facebook stating something along the lines of "sunday's coming".  as CHRISTians, we focus on the passion week, starting with palm sunday, all the way to maundy thursday, and then good friday, with the culmination being resurrection sunday.  by the time we get to good friday, the focus then shifts to sunday.  while sunday is very important, we neglect saturday to our detriment.  we know very little about that saturday between Christ's death and His resurrection.  we can infer a few things, but the Bible is silent about the events between the death of Christ and the resurrection.  we know that joseph of arimathea provided a tomb for Him to be laid in and he and nicodemus prepared Him for burial by wrapping Him in clean linen and spices, with mary and mary magdalene present.  we also know that the jewish leaders petitioned pilate to place a roman guard in front of the tomb to prevent His disciples from "stealing the body" and saying He was resurrected.  but in terms of the disciples, we know nothing about that saturday between His death and resurrection.

maybe the Bible is silent on this day because it is not important.  we know that saturday is the sabbath, and the disciples were resting on the sabbath according to law, so maybe this is why the Bible is silent on this day.  but one very important thing we can assume from what the Bible does tell us, is that saturday was a very long one.  we know that the disciples went into hiding on that friday, and that they were still in hiding on sunday.  we know that they were sad and downcast from the conversation on the road to emmaus.  so even though the Bible is silent on the actual events of saturday in terms of the disciples, it communicates a lot.

as CHRISTians, we all have what i call "saturday mourning" experiences.  as a chaplain, one of my many duties is making casualty calls on the families of deceased marines and sailors.  as a hospital chaplain, i was also responsible for being there when families received the news that their family member passed away or when patients received a grim prognosis.  i not only was there for the initial notification, but for the aftermath as well.  there are times in all of our lives when we experience those times of solemnity.  we have received bad news, and there is an outpouring of support from friends and family members, but eventually those friends and family have to return to their lives and we are left on our own to process what has been told to us.  it is in those times that God can seem like He's light years away, and we can feel left all alone to deal with the crushing blow that has come our way.  sometimes, the dark times in our lives can cause us to forget the promises God has made to us.  even the disciples forgot that Jesus said that He would rise again on the third day.  the jewish leaders didn't forget it.  they even tried to prevent it.  but they didn't just lose the one person that they had put all their hopes and dreams on.  the disciples were sad, and they were afraid.  and they were hiding.  all because they had lost their faith that God was still there and was still going to keep His promise.

in our lives, it's easy to think that God has somehow forsaken us or forgot about us when things don't go the way we think they should.  we are never promised an easy life, and on the contrary, we are promised the exact opposite as CHRISTians.  so when we are in those "saturday mournings", we can rest assured that God's promises still hold true, and that just because things didn't work out the way we expected, it doesn't mean we didn't have enough faith, it means that we still need to have faith that God is still there and is still in control.  because until we get to heaven, "saturday mournings" will come, and are in fact, inevitable.  we may be tempted to go into hiding, as many CHRISTians do, both from God, and the people of God.  but we should not remain in hiding, or remain downtrodden, because during our times of sadness, we can be a more powerful witness of the One who is bringing "resurrection morning", to a world that is in perpetual "saturday mourning" without hope.

dead weight

the other night, i fell asleep on my arm, which cut off the circulation to it, making it a useless appendage that became quite dangerous when i rolled over and it flopped on top of my bride's head!  it took me a while to get the feeling back to my arm, and to make it a useful part of my body again.  it's no wonder God calls the church the "body of Christ".  there are those who are like my arm, not serving any real purpose, and really just getting in the way.  many are like a benign tumor, taking necessary nutrients away from the body, but not really causing any harm.  others are like cancer, causing harm to the body, and needing to be addressed.

with the rise of contemporary services, coupled with the maturation of the "me generation" into adulthood, we see an interesting dynamic starting to arise.  there is a paradigm shift in how people are viewing the church, and instead of adopting a biblical view of the church, they are adopting a psychological view of the church.  what i mean by this, is the church is no longer seen as the body of Christ, where each of us has a place and a function, but is rather seen as spiritual gym, where we can go and get our weekly spiritual workout in, and then go our merry way.  it is all about the experience, and "what can i get out of it?"  don't believe me?  ask a person why they are at a particular church, especially the larger, more contemporary churches.  you are likely to hear something along the lines of, "i really like the worship there," or "i really like the pastor's preaching".  you rarely hear, "i like the ministries that God has placed me in there," or "this is where God has called us".  i hear quite frequently, "i don't like that church because i don't get anything out of the worship there" and "i don't feel like i am worshipping there".  those excuses amuse me, especially when you break down the logic of what they are saying.  essentially, when a person says they are not getting anything out of worship, they are saying they are expecting to get something out of worship, and to carry that logic out to its end, it is like saying, "i bought you a gift, but i'm not really going to give it to you because i want it myself!"  because if we are only participating in worship for what we can get out of it, we are bringing God a gift that we are trying to keep for ourselves.  the other common excuse is, "i don't feel God".  this excuse is null because Scripture tells us that whenever two or more are gathered in God's name, He is there also.  so if a person doesn't "feel" God, then it's obvious that the problem is not with God, but with them.  

what's even funnier, is that many of the people that do that are the first to complain when the church doesn't live up to their standards, especially when they are in need.  they become like that tumor, owing its existence to the host, but not providing any real benefit to the host.  in science, we call that a parasite.  as members of the body of Christ, we should instead be asking what purpose we serve in the church.  instead of the "experiential" view of church, we should attend church to contribute our gifts and talents to that local body, so that the body may minister to others and be the hands and feet of Christ.  the benefit then becomes that God blesses us for being obedient, and the temporary highs that are associated with a good musical performance in a worship service are traded for life changing joy that carries over into every other aspect of our life.

this concept is nowhere stated more clearly than when Jesus says, "God is a spirit, and whoever worships Him must worship in spirit and in truth."  whenever you have worship in truth but not in spirit, you have dead orthodoxy; and whenever you worship in spirit but not in truth, the result is shallow emotionalism.  there must be a balance if we are to truly worship.  worship is not something that happens within the walls of the church  building.  worship should be the pattern of our lives, worshipping God in everything that we do.  this is what the Bible means when it says to do all things for the glory of God.  get that?  for the glory of God.  again, implying that it should be outwardly motivated towards God, and not inwardly motivated towards ourselves. remember, satan's sin was that of selfishness and pride.  that's why he was kicked out of heaven.  so we can logically infer as to what he would tempt us with to take the focus off of God:  self-glorification and satisfaction.  he tempted Jesus with the same thing in the wilderness.  he saw that Jesus was hungry and tempted Him to satisfy Himself and turn the stones into bread.  so the temptation for self-gratification must be a powerful one for satan to choose that to tempt the Saviour with.

so ask yourself, "why do i go to the church i attend?"  if the motivation is anything other than God's calling and serving Him through His church, then it just might be that you have been deceived.

wherever i may roam

as i sit here and begin the long, arduous process to prepare for my imminent departure, i think about the life that God has called my family and i to.  it is a life of constant change:  housing changes, friend changes, location changes, school changes, job changes, doctor changes, church changes, uniform changes, just to name a few.  and then there is the huge elephant in the room.  in the military, it's one that we tend to really ignore until we bump right into it, but we are always aware of its presence.  we know it's just a matter of time before we have to start eating that elephant, one bite at a time.  that elephant?  deployment.  there's a saying in the navy/marine corps, not if but when.  it's not if you deploy, it's when.  my date is coming up rapidly, and i have begun the preparations for it.  i am preparing physically, with packing, training, etc.  i am preparing mentally, with classes, schedules, and what not.  i am preparing spiritually, constantly seeking God's face as to what He would have me accomplish for the deployment. but i am not prepared emotionally.  some would call it denial, as if i can ignore it and won't have to deal with the emotions that go along with it.  but it is more than that.  men are not emotional beings, as a general rule.  you ask a man how he's feeling, and you're liable to get either a one word answer (fine, okay, good, ticked, etc.), or the inevitable "i don't know".  this is not men being difficult.  it is simply us being honest.  we never really think about feelings too much, so when we are forced to define them, it is like asking for us to describe some place we've only been to a scarce few times.  we might know some general details, but not specifics.  you ask a woman how she is feeling, and you are likely to get 15 answers.  women are an emotional roller coaster, so a woman can truly say she's happy one minute, and sad the next, or any of the countless variations (frustrated, upset, depressed, confused, the list goes on and on!).  but not men.  we know three basic emotions:  happiness, sadness, and anger.  that's the emotional trichotomy of a man.  recognizing this weakness innate within me, i will attempt to describe what is going through my soul as i approach departure.

the first emotion i would have to own up to is excitement.  i am excited because i am getting to do what God has called me to do.  i can do it here in the states, i know that, but i joined the military with the anticipation of deploying and going where the marines and sailors need me most, and now that is here, so i am excited.  i am excited because i am an experiential being.  i have a wandering bug in me.  i love to see new places, experience new things.  i am getting to go to places that i've never been before, meet people in cultures that i would otherwise never be exposed to.  through that, i am getting to be a light for CHRIST everywhere i go.  i may not be able to openly proselytize, but i am still allowed to wear my cross on my collar, which gives me an in whenever anyone sees it, to be a witness in my actions to those i meet.  so i am excited.

another emotion i am experiencing is apprehension.  i would not go so far as to call it fear, but i will say i am apprehensive.  some of the places we are going will inevitably place us in danger.  we have been vaccinated for every disease and illness they can vaccinate us against, but there are still those out there that have no vaccination, and we will likely be exposed to those.  so there's that element of danger.  also, whenever we leave the united states, we are exposing ourselves to danger.  we will visit war-torn areas, impoverished areas, and areas influenced by those who seek to do us harm.  you never realize what a blessing it is to live in the united states in relative safety until you leave her for foreign shores.  i trust in my God, and know that He is with me, but i do understand now what the psalmist said in the 23rd psalm.  i am also apprehensive as to my family.  i worry about their safety when i am gone.  i worry about who is going to change the flat tire on my wife's suv.  i worry about my middle son jumping out of his treehouse with his superman cape on and ending up in the hospital.  i worry about my youngest son not being able to remember and recognize me when i return.  so there is apprehension.

there is also sadness.  this one is a given.  in the past week, i have hardly been able to talk about it while looking at my bride or three beautiful boys without tearing up.  they are a part of me, and you might as well be ripping me in half and leaving one half here and shipping the other off.  it is excruciating to think about being away from them, and what i will miss while gone.  thankfully, i have not had to miss a birthday yet because of military travel, and this is one of those times when i won't.  however, i do know the time will come when i may have to do that, and that saddens me.  i think about going to sleep every night without my "baby love" cuddled up in my arms.  i realize that there will be no warm body in my bed for me to snuggle up to when i am freezing.  i will miss the comfortable silences we share, when being in the same room with each other is enough.  i will miss the playful banter we toss back and forth when we talk "smack" to each other in jesting.  and i will even miss having her there to infuriate me because she told me something that i really needed to hear, but didn't want to admit because of pride or stubbornness.  i will miss my boys.  gavin is like me.  i know it affects him, but he kind of keeps it to himself.  he is truly my "mini-me".  he looks like me, acts like me, and talks like me.  i will miss his random facts about snakes, sharks, the titanic, weather, or whatever subject he happens to be focusing on at that moment.  but mostly i will miss when he calls me to his room to give him a big hug and kiss before he goes to sleep.  he won't go to sleep without it.  nathan, now he's like lori.  he looks like her more than me, and he is like her in that he wears his heart on his sleeve.  there is never any doubt about what nathan is feeling at a particular moment, as he will readily let you know.  his flare for the dramatic keeps us either in hilarity, or in frustration.  i will miss his playful spirit, coming up and wanting to try and take me down.  but most of all, i will miss nathan climbing up into the chair with me for no other reason than to sit in my lap and lay his head on my chest and watch "phineas and ferb".  then there's logan.  he's my little buddy.  we had an amazing day playing at the beach yesterday.  he loves for me to flip him up in the air like we are part of a traveling circus act, while his mom gasps in apprehension.  i will miss his giggle whenever he and i play our cat and mouse game through the house.  but most of all, i will miss holding him to get him to sleep at night.  he normally gives lori a hard time going to sleep, but when i hold him, he settles down and goes right out, as i rock him back and forth and he and i look into each other's eyes as he drifts off into dream land.  so there is sadness, and it is the elephant in the room that takes up most of the space.

wow, all this emotional talk is draining!

but there is yet another emotion looming.  i couldn't put my finger on it until last night.  as i was packing some things, i was watching my bride over on the computer, who is a master at multi tasking, as she typed, watched "army wives", and watched me.  as i was selecting items and checking them off, the excitement was building in me, but the sadness was there as well, and then it hit me.  i was feeling guilt!  i was feeling guilt that i was excited about this trip.  how could i be excited about leaving my family?!?  i was feeling guilt that i was leaving my bride all alone for months to take care of the house and the kids by herself.  she is an amazing woman and i know she can handle it, but never the less, i was still leaving her.  i was feeling guilt that i was about to cause them terrible sadness by leaving for such a long period of time.  every time that nathan comes up to me and hugs me and says in a sad voice, "i will miss wu when wou're gone," it twists the knife in my soul.  God has called me to this ministry, and i know this is part of it.  i now realize what paul meant when he said that he wished all men were like him, unmarried, so they would be more willing to go anywhere God sent them without an emotional conflict.  don't get me wrong here, i love being married, and would not change it for the world, but i understand what paul was saying.  however, i also know that when i do get back, i will experience that other verse where God said, "it is not good for chris to be alone" (italics mine!), as i will have a bride waiting on me that will wrap me in her arms and three boys who will jump on me as soon as i get off that bus, and i'll take that over coming back home to an empty barracks room any day!  so i will deal with the guilt.

i still have some time left before i leave.  it's not a long time by any means.  if you ask me, it would never be long enough.  so i have chosen to tuck these emotions away for now, and enjoy having my family beside me until the time comes that i must deal with these emotions.  all of these emotions will likely stay with me, and morph during the trip, with some outweighing others at different times.  however, the emotion that i will hold on to is anticipation.  anticipation of my reuniting with the family that God has blessed me with.  anticipation of my bride's embrace!  anticipation of playing with my sons!  anticipation of being back home, where i belong.

p.s. doesnt' this give you an idea of how it should be with us as CHRISTians?  excitement at the opportunities God places before us.  apprehension at the unknown places he will take us.  sadness at living in a fallen world, that is not our home, and at what we could be experiencing in heaven.  and guilt at having loved this present life more than the next.  but most importantly, anticipation of eternity with our Jesus!  

you say po-ta-to, i say po-tah-to

before i get started, let me first throw this out there:  webster's dictionary defines pornography as
the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.

okay, now that we have that clear, i want to address something that is not a new concept, but one that has recently gained notoriety through a book and a movie:  mommy porn.

i have seen numerous blog postings by females on the subject, both for and against, by both CHRIST-followers and secularists alike.  these blog posts seem to either condemn or justify the reading of books or watching of movies by women, that are blatantly sexual in nature.  the purpose of this post is not to address these arguments, but rather to actually look at the materials and give them a proper classification, because once we can strip away all the hooplah and actually look at something for what it is, then we can make an informed decision on the morality of indulging in the materials.  again, it is not my motive to condemn anyone for any behaviour, but to simply speak the truth, and then allow persons who enjoy such materials to make their own decisions. 

the first item up for discussion is the latest craze among women entitled, say it with me, "fifty shades of grey".  now, i have not read the book personally, but i did see a rather disturbing youtube video of gilbert gottfried reading excerpts from it.  let me just say this, i was embarrassed at having seen the 20 seconds of the video i did, because i know the images that popped into my head, which with gilbert gottfried reading it, were rather horrifying!  now, there are those that would argue that they are reading the book for the story, which is always a perplexing argument to me.  if someone is reading it for the story, and the story is about sex, then what is the redeeming factor in that argument?  it goes along with the man who says, "i only read 'hustler' for the articles", when, if the pages the articles are in between are filled with sexual images, then likewise, where is the redeeming factor in that?  i postulate that the story is classified as pornography.  now, before anyone gets all bent out of shape, i ask you to refer to the above definition of pornography:  the depiction of erotic imagery (in pictures or in writing) intended to cause sexual excitement.  it is a well known psychological fact that women are not turned on by pictures to the extent that guys are, but more so by their imaginations based on emotions.  as a guy, i can honestly say that a romantic comedy does nothing to get me going, nor does reading erotic writing.  so it is clear that this book is targeted towards women (if it were for men, there would be pictures with the story underneath in captions!)  now, if it is targeted towards women, we have to ask what is the motivation of the author?  you can find articles that address the topics of s&m, as well as sexuality, that are designed to be informative, rather than gaining a sexual response from the reader.  the author clearly stated that the book was the author's own sexual fantasies written down in narrative format, to excite others.  so, the author admits that her work, by definition, is pornography.  next, is the responses by the readers.  one female critic is quoted as saying, "guys, buy this book for your wife, and you will not be disappointed", insinuating a sexual favor in return based on the wife's reaction to what she reads.  so women define it as pornography, by definition.  so, if it is pornography, as the evidence shows, then what makes it different from the erotic magazines, movies, and websites that men visit on a daily basis?  is there a double standard here? 

the next piece of entertainment (no pun intended) is a movie entitled "magic mike".  this movie is about, and this is no secret, male strippers.  the fact that it contains actors that are known for their looks further solidifies the appeal to women.  women who would never dream of darkening the door to an actual strip club are flocking in droves to see this movie.  again, based on the above definition, i postulate that this movie is also pornography.  it is designed to elicit a sexual response in women.  there was a movie along the same lines that came out a few years ago with elizabeth berkley, of "saved by the bell" fame, entitled "showgirls".  i always thought it ironic that berkley went from playing a girl who fought against the objectifying of women, to playing a role that objectified women, but i digress.  any male who went and saw that movie in the theaters, was classified by women as perverted.  i know, because in college i witnessed the treatment of guys who went to see it by girls that were their friends.  they were classified as perverts.  now, again i ask, is there a double standard here?  women are going to the movie, objectifying the men in a sexual way, and getting aroused by the images on the screen.  as one facebook picture posted by a female said, "i don't know what happened in that movie theater, but i think i'm having channing tatum's baby!" 

now, as said before, erotic fiction geared towards females has been nothing new, it has just been thrust into the limelight.  harlequin romance novels have been around for decades, and all are designed to elicit a sexual response based upon the imagination created by the emotions within the novels.  however, it has always been acceptable for women to read these, yet reprehensible for men to read "playboy" or any of the other erotica that is out there. 

based on the above items fitting the definition of pornography, should someone who calls themselves a follower of CHRIST partake in this sort of entertainment?  or does Jesus' admonition about a man "looking upon a woman with lust in her heart" only apply to males?  should a man lower his standards as the spiritual leader of his home and buy these materials for his wife in hopes of sexual repayment in return?  or, should our sexual desire be excited by, and only be for, our spouses?  when counseling a married couple, sometimes the excuse is, "the excitement is gone out of the marriage bed, so i (we) use erotic materials to excite us".  my response is, if the excitement is gone, then you must be doing something wrong!  and, if it takes another person to get you sexually aroused, then are you not lusting after that person when engaged in sexual relations with your spouse?  if so, how is that not adultery, based on Jesus' definition? 

like i said before, the purpose of this article is not to condemn anyone for watching or reading these forms of entertainment, but to strip them down (again, no pun intended) and pull the curtain back to see what they actually are, and then for people to make their own decisions.  one of satan's primary tools, as the father of lies, is deception.  if he can wrap up a hook in some harmless looking bait, then the undiscerning will take it.  there are millions of males whose lives and homes are wrecked each year because of the detrimental effects of pornography, and now it seems that satan has his sights set on the females.  "be vigilant and watchful, for your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour!"